Warning: Miscarriage symptoms and personal TMI mentioned

It’s been a really difficult couple of days. I’ve been convinced I’m having a miscarriage, then relieved at every little sign that maybe I’m not. After the breast soreness diminished two nights ago, I had some pink spotting yesterday when I woke up. I was sobbing before I even had my coffee. J finally returned from her business trip last night. It was amazing to pile into bed with her and the kitties and just have her next to me after being alone all week worrying. My breasts started to feel super sore again last night, which was exciting. I felt like it was an excellent sign, but when I woke up this morning, there was more pink spotting. Even worse, I had cramps. Mild, them moderate, then mild again.

I got dressed so we could got to the clinic and have another beta just for reassurance. J started to get ready too. We were sitting on the ottoman, putting shoes on soberly, and I just looked at her and said, “I can freak out and ruin the Saturday we’ve been looking forward to, or I can ride it out and we can enjoy our day.” I decided we should just embrace the day and try to be positive. We had a phone meeting with our potential photographers, so instead of cancel I put on a brave face and we enjoyed our meeting with them. (Caitlyn, if you’re reading this, it’s the wonderful photographers you recommended!)

After the meeting I started crying again. I’ve been feeling more dread and sadness than anxiety. I cried in J’s arms and we were just sad and confused. Then the spotting turned to brown. It was stringy, which I know from my last pregnancy is actually good; it’s old blood from either implantation or uterine stretching. We felt a little bit reassured, but the cramping continued. I left the house to get a haircut. Brave face again.

We ate homemade Thai food and took a long nap, followed by a long walk in which we got really excited about wedding stuff and made some fun plans. I a way I thought maybe I should stay in bed for the day, but it helped to get out of the house. I kept cramping all afternoon, and started using an extra progesterone, as suggested by our IVF coordinator. Tonight we got dressed up and went to for an awesome date, out to dinner in Echo Park and to an industrial art space show where J has done some welding classes.

I feel optimistic. It’s possible that I’m not having a miscarriage, that our little nugget is still here, still alive and fighting and feeling loved. If I am in fact having a miscarriage, it will be a very difficult week and I can’t imagine how awful it would be to have to go through it all over again. I hope and pray that we are lucky and in a couple of weeks and then months we can celebrate that everything was healthy.