Archives for posts with tag: lesbian pregnancy

It feels weird to have been in the hospital. I actually missed it last night and this morning, missed hearing Glitter’s runaway horse heartbeat and missed the nurses checking up on me. Thankfully I have good friends, including you bloggers, who helped the last 24 hours feel less lonely. I slept for 11 hours last night, then took a 2-hour nap this afternoon. That’s more than I’ve slept since last fall! I was so wiped out from my all-nighter the first night in the hospital. My hand is bruised from the IV and my butt has a huge black spot from one of the two steroid shots. I’m also having serious hip pain, not just at night but throughout the day now, and some leg and stomach cramps. I’m very grateful to have come home still pregnant though, and for baby girl to be healthy and still in my womb.

This morning I made coffee and got to work on stuff I rarely have time to do because of work, like plan meals for my upcoming family weekend, buy baby shower gifts for my yoga friends, do some budgeting and finalize my baby shower catering order. Throughout the day several packages were delivered for the shower, including the replacement crib part for the one that arrived broken. I did four loads of laundry (carefully and slowly), ate comfort food and emailed my boss about a modified work duties, which she was supportive of. I even watched a Netflix movie in the middle of the day, the kitties curled up into balls on the couch with me.

I can’t wait to see my honey, who should be walking in the door from LAX in about an hour. I’ve missed her so much and I know she’s been struggling with not having been here while I was in the hospital. Last night we talked about how to move forward for the rest of the trimester in terms of her work schedule and doctor recommendations. I know we’ll be okay, but I am concerned about pre-term labor now. I’ve been looking over our hospital paperwork, refining my hospital bag list and doing some more nursery nesting. It’s not the same without J though and really looking forward to having her home with me. She’s planning on working from home tomorrow while I’m still recovering, and taking a break to put the crib together and hang the artwork I ordered from Papaya Art in the nursery. We received our crib mattress today, and I anticipate the room coming together a little more by tomorrow!

Despite the dreary LA weather and melancholy day, I’m really excited to see my mom and sisters this weekend. My mother is arriving tomorrow night and coming with us to a midwife appointment Friday morning. My midwife, who I saw yesterday in the hospital, told me she is going to put some acupuncture needles in me when I arrive at her office before my prenatal appointment (she also does Chinese medicine) to help me relax. I have to do a Glucose test as well, and in the afternoon J, my mother and I have an appointment here at home with my awesome doula. My sisters get in Friday night.

To put a little cheer in this post, here’s my baby shower menu and a few pics:

French Brunch:

Quiche Lorraine, Spinach and Mushroom Quiche

Roasted asparagus

Roasted potatoes with herbs

Rosemary Demi and raisin walnut loaf with honey herb butter

Assortment of pastries – Chocolate croissants, almond croissants, pain an chocolate

Fresh fruit salad

Lemon tart

Apricot blueberry tart 

Mimosas 

Sparkling lemonade

Most of it is being catered by La Maison du Pain, a great French bakery, and we’ll put together the rest. I’m excited to see friends from San Diego and all over.

Fetal monitor:
 

Hospital room service menu:

Here’s the nursery artwork:  

Here I am in labor and delivery, but I’m not in labor.

J and I had a fun weekend with my father, who was visiting from Connecticut. On Saturday we went hiking in Topanga Canyon and got lost. It was 85 degrees and we ended up doing six miles instead of four. I felt like I couldn’t go on due to difficulty breathing, the heat and my protruding stomach, but we eventually made it out, went swimming in Santa Monica and went to a wonderful dinner.

Yesterday I felt really tired. J had to leave for a business trip and we were sad. We talked about how to prepare for later on in the third tri when she’s on a trip – staying near the phone, when she’ll stop going out of town, etc.

After she left I went to the bathroom and felt some gushing blood. I was bleeding bright red. I told my dad we had to go to the hospital and called J on the way. She was already on the airplane and they were announcing that the doors were about to shut. She almost got off but I told her not to, that I’d be fine. She ordered in-flight wifi so we could keep texting. My father and I went to L & D triage and they did an ultrasound, inserted an IV hookup in case I need fluids or blood, and did a pelvic exam. After two hours they admitted me to a room and said they’d be monitoring me for a couple of days. My first thought was that I have to go to work of course, but I got over that. Mostly I was worried that I would go into labor which was terrifying; the baby isn’t ready and we’re not ready.

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The doctors said it was likely a placental abruption which can be serious. I spent a lonely and sleepless night in a dark room. I sent my dad home to feed the kitties and get some sleep. Right after he left I did have a good cry. I slept no more than an hour. They hooked me up to ultrasound monitors that keep constant tabs in the baby’s heart rate and breathing, as well as contractions (which I’m not having). I kept bleeding a little with minor cramping but my cervix wasn’t dilated and I wasn’t in labor thank goodness.

I was awake alllllniiiight, 11pm, 1am, 3am, 5am… The night went on and on. I missed J so much and worried about going into labor. I finally slept from 4 to 5am. In the morning I was wheeled on a gurney to radiology and they did vaginal and abdominal ultrasounds. The good news is that I don’t have placenta previa, my placenta has risen to 3.5 cm above the cervix, which is good news for the possibility of a vaginal delivery, the baby’s head is down and my cervix is closed and long.

I had a long day of monitoring, nurses, and ordering fun room service food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. My father came bearing fresh fruit, knitting and phone chargers and spent the whole day in the hospital room with me. We talked to the doctors and everything seems optimistic, but things can change at any time. For now, as long as the bleeding continues to subside, I can go home tomorrow night. I’m going to be considered high risk from here on out and there are going to have to be some lifestyle changes that will be hard for me, like giving up kickboxing and weights and having a much lower stress level at work. They have suggested I stop working but have also said I can work but need to reduce physical and emotional stress. Not an easy task for me but I just want to focus on the baby and becoming a mom. This experience has made things feel very real.

They’ve given me two shots of betamethasone to help Glitter’s lungs develop in case she’s born, one last night and one tonight. Shots in the butt hurt! They were wonderful enough to take me off the monitors tonight and give me an Ambien. I hope sleep is in my near future. Good night.

It’s true, I don’t have time to post. I hate it! I want to curl up and write and enjoy being pregnant, but I only get to do that an hour or so a week. I’m not complaining because I appreciate my job and the fact that we’ve figured out  our living situation. Also, J and I had a really nice weekend, despite the work and moving chaos. We met up with www.ladyloveandbabydust.wordpress.com and her wife, which was a blast. It was as if I’d already met her, since I’ve been reading her blog for a year. We compared lots of pregnancy notes, our partners compared partner notes, and we chowed down on Thai food and beer for the partners. It was great! 

  

 Here’s my pregnancy update: 

Doctors and Doulas 

 I had a monthly prenatal appointment two weeks ago with a wonderful female doctor I also saw during my miscarriage last summer. She offered to be my primary doctor, along with the midwife on staff there. So far I’ve been taking a learned helplessness approach with Kaiser being my pregnancy provider, just seeing whatever doctor was available since you don’t get to choose your doctor during labor anyway. I feel much more comfortable now, knowing that I will only see her and the midwife as much as possible. My next six appointments are with the midwife! I googled her and she’s also a prenatal acupuncturist and gets rave reviews on Yelp! I can’t wait to meet her at my April appointment. 

 We’ve also hired our doula. She’s my prenatal yoga instructor, and a super upbeat, funny and positive person. It makes sense for my yoga instructor to be my doula, since I feel so connected at yoga and feel like my labor will be very athletic and she’ll know my body pretty well by then (I started going every week starting at 12 weeks). The doula came to our house for a consultation. She explained everything – she only takes two to three clients a month so she can be readily available for our births, she empowers J and I to be ready for whatever may come our way, she does massage and helps me cope with the labor pains. She included J in everything which was great. My birth team is now my mom (midwife by profession but mom during my labor), our doula, and of course J. We talked about natural childbirth but also my fear of c-section and desire to avoid one at all costs. Both of my sisters had truly unavoidable c-sections and my doula explained how this may lead me to feel like it is inevitable. We talked about fear and control, perfectionism and other such emotionally vulnerable topics that I’ll get into in a later post. Suffice it to say that preparing for a natural childbirth and becoming a parent brings up a lot of stuff I’m already working on in therapy, and it all seems to be coming together… 

My Body 

 I’ve gained exactly fifteen pounds. It’s crazy to look at the scale and see numbers I never imagined I’d see! It’s kind of exciting, too. I keep track of my weight gain on an app so I know it’s within normal range. This helps me not obsess about it. I’m still exercising five or six days a week, doing low impact aerobics, going for jogs and doing my prenatal video. Jogging is hard with a bigger belly but I go slow and walk a lot. It’s already hard to put on my shoes and last night I painted my toenails which was really interesting! I may have to start getting pedicures. My belly button piercing started to bleed a little and I read that this can, in bad cases, cause blood poisoning, which is no joke, and affect the fetus. For the first time in fifteen years I took the belly ring out. We’d already ordered a maternity belly bar but J couldn’t get it in so for now, it’s out, and I don’t care if it closes up as long as Glitter is healthy! 

Movement 

This is the most exciting thing ever! I feel her move constantly, pretty much all day. It feels like my stomach is turning over, but it’s pleasant because I know it’s her. If I press into my stomach while I’m lying down, I can feel her kick on the outside, too. The other night she started kicking and I grabbed J’s hand and told her to press and she felt her. J’s whole face lit up! 

Clothing 

I’m almost completely in maternity wear now. I still fit into a couple of regular dresses and shirts, but pants have to be maternity. I bought two maxi dresses at Destination Maternity and I love wearing them because there’s no pressure on my belly, but I feel more professional wearing black pants and blouses to work so I still have to iron and pull those damn pants on every day. My feet also hurt a little now so I’m trying to wear more comfortable shoes. Most of my sandals are platform so I think I can keep wearing them to work. 

Food 

I only crave the same things I always have – mostly Thai food and cheddar cheese (not together). I’m eating kale salad with tofu for lunch every day to keep things flowing and healthy, and we’ve been making wild caught salmon twice a week. The only true pregnancy craving I can claim is fruit, especially tropical. I want pineapple, kiwi, coconut, oranges and apples all the time! One night I ate five blood oranges at 3am and in the morning J didn’t understand where the supply had gone… 

Sleeping 

Speaking of 3am, yes, insomnia is in full-force. I sleep well until 3am then I’m awake, sometimes until my alarm goes off. I also have terrible restless legs, which is common in pregnancy, which is now making it hard to fall asleep. I’m talking Calm brand magnesium before bed but some nights nothing helps.

Reading

I’ve been reading some parenting books and feel good about attachment parenting. I know when the baby comes everything will change and a lot depends on circumstance and our baby’s disposition and patterns, but it’s nice to be prepared and informed. I read Beyond the Sling by Mayim Bialik (yes, the actress who played Blossom). It was a little cheesy but very helpful. She explains why natural childbirth and breastfeeding are important and has chapters on baby wearing and relationship adjustments. My favorite chapter was on discipline. I have always felt very strongly that physical discipline is harmful, sometimes traumatizing to emotional development, and I work with women every day who have neglected and abused their children because they were uneducated and unable to cope with their own emotions. The book takes gentle discipline a step further though, providing alternatives to yelling “No!” at your poor one-year-old who has no idea what’s she’s doing wrong, and giving alternatives to time-outs, which I believe are shaming and cause a young child to feel emotionally abandoned. Note: If we have different beliefs about these issues, it’s okay; I’m expressing my parenting intentions for my own child but not necessarily for others.

I’m also reading The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and Parenting from the Inside Out. I’d like to start some reading on natural childbirth and meditation and hypnotherapy next. 

That’s all for now, but I’ll definitely post a six-month update and some tidbits about our new apartment between now and then! 

  

Warning: Post contains more disgusting throw-up stories. I want to document these but I’m sorry it’s so nasty. 

20w,2d

I can’t believe I’m 20 weeks along! I read this week that most first time pregnancies last an average of 41 weeks, 1 day, so that’s almost halfway there. I’m so incredibly excited and love being pregnant. However, my symptoms continue to ail me. This morning I woke up and started sobbing from hip pain and lack of sleep. I cried for awhile then made myself eat frozen waffles with cream cheese, which normally would settle my stomach. J went into the bathroom for a few seconds to pee and I projectile vomited coffee and breakfast into the kitchen sink. Normally I can hold it until I’m near a toilet but no today. As usual, J was so sweet and supportive. I got in bed and heard her cleaning the sink. I feel bad that what was supposed to be a fun Sunday is now a day of me in bed feeling miserable. My philosophy is that just like having a newborn and beyond, pregnancy is full of difficulties that are normal. Baby doesn’t sleep all nigt and cries all day? Sucks, but she’s a baby, so too bad! I throw up well into my second tri? Well, I’m pregnant and pregnancy can be hard. Embrace it and don’t complain too much because it’s such a blessing. 

Symptoms

I still have morning sickness, but not all the time and not every day. Most days this past week I have been waking up and throwing up bile. Throwing up bile is horrible – it’s a physical strain, causes me to gasp for air and tastes awful. I’m not sure why this is happening but I believe it’s linked to lack of sleep. I also get very nauseous and sometimes lightheaded right before lunch and dinner and I’ve realized just how much eating I have to do. The lightheadedness feels like a blood sugar issue but who knows. Being the passenger in a car, or even the driver, brings on the sickness, too.

I believe the worst symptom is the hip pain. This occurs in the middle of the night and is literally so severe that it wakes me up between 1 and 4 times a night. I wake up in agony, with shooting pain deep in my hip joints. Since I have to sleep on my side now, there’s no relief for it, even with a pillow between my legs and behind my back. This morning I broke down in tears before I’d even had my coffee. I want to minimize spending any money on extra things since we have so many expenses right now and have to save for Glitter, but today I’m marching straight into Bed Bath and Beyond and buying a Snoogle body pillow. LadyLoveandBabyDust, thank you so much for the offer of the pillow and the suggestion. I need one today though and have run out of strength to cope with this pain!

To end the symptom section on a positive note, I’ve really been enjoying eating and my appetite and hunger have definitely increased. I used to watch my carb intake and try not to snack at all between meals. I would eat only salad with tofu and low-carb crackers for lunch. Now I’ve eaten two breakfasts by 10am, eat a big healthy lunch, usually weaken and grab some office junk food in the afternoon (only in tiny amounts) and eat a snack before my evening workout, a huge dinner and a pre-bedtime snack. Yesterday we did a big grocery shopping trip and I made a menu of food for the week:

Breakfasts (have to be hand-holdable as I eat on the freeway):

egg burritos with vegetables and vegetarian sausage in low-carb whole grain tortillas with salsa

whole wheat waffles with berries and cream cheese

plain yogurt with GoLean crunch and berries

Lunches:

salad with spicy tofu, hummus, and crackers with fruit (this is still my favorite lunch as it doesn’t make me fall asleep in afternoon therapy sessions)

Snacks:

trail mix, yogurt with granola, brown rice crackers with hummus, wasabi peas, sour cream and onion corn puffs, Thai Lime and Chili cashews, peanut butter and bananas, high-fiber berry protein smoothies

Dinners:

Vegetarian chili with avocado, sour cream and salsa, with tossed salad with pepitas

Grilled organic chicken breasts, linguini with sauteed spinach, butter and parmesan

Black bean and spinach quesedillas with avocado and sour cream

Poached salmon with roasted broccoli and rice

Frozen vegetable lasagna for the night we just don’t have it in us to cook

So that is how much food I now require!

Exercise

Working out remains one of the loves of my life, as I’m a highly energetic person who needs a lot of movement, but this week it was hard! I’m still getting over a cold. Thursday night I headed out for a jog and made it one block before I had to stop. My stomach hurt and I couldn’t breathe. I’m trying to listen to my body and take days off. I notice that sleeping is directly correlated to my symptoms – with a good night’s sleep I’m not as nauseous, breathe more easily and just feel better. Friday night I slept really well and yesterday decided to do a workout video I haven’t done in months with plyometrics, light weights and cardio. I kept it fairly low-impact and used lighter weights than I used to, but felt great the whole time.

Bump

My belly is seriously growing. Last night I wore regular jeans and a belly band to a dinner party. My friend made amazing black bean and sweet potato enchiladas, and we had beet and lentil salad with cilantro and chips with homemade guacamole. The belly band was a little tight but the worst part was the unzippered part of the jeans cutting into the bottom of my belly. I went to the bathroom and took the band off – thank goodness I was wearing a longer maternity shirt!





My belly at 12 weeks and 20 weeks! It’s stretching!

Everywhere I turn I hear about people trying to get pregnant – friends, co-workers, etc. Here’s to the fertility Gods!

Today was a big day. When we arrived at the hospital we went to the specialty ultrasound and imaging department and checked in. They asked me if I had drank 35 oz of water – well no, because I hadn’t received the instructions. Oops. The receptionist brought me two styrofoam cups of water to down. The US nurse called me right away and said J would not be allowed back until the end and that it was standard procedure. Fine. J asked some questions about the US – being a lab designing architect, she doesn’t like any extra procedures and prefers all procedure times to be minimized. The nurse was respectful but explained that I’m order to get necessary measurements, the scan would take about 45 minutes.

In the room she put warm gel on my belly and showed me the baby right away. She did a ton of measurements and chatted to me the whole time. I don’t understand why J would have been disruptive but she did go and get J ASAP. We saw the baby’s heart beating away, her femur, a strong spine, her feet, hands, lips, chin, eyes, skull and most importantly, vagina and labia! Definitely a girl.

The nurse checked out my cervix and placenta and right now the position of the placenta is low. Later on in pregnancy this can lead to a c-section but both the nurse and my trusty mom say it’s still early and will rise. We are so grateful that Glitter is okay. I feel her move a lot now, although just small flutters.

The first one apparently shows that she’s a girl (three white lines). The third one is her face. My favorite is her cute little hand!

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To quote the movie Benny and Joon, “my life is really complicated right now.” There are a lot of things happening at once, wonderful, sad, scary, you name it. Tomorrow I will post about my recent trip to Florida, my grandmother’s somewhat unexpected death, and potentially, our new house. Glitter’s moms are busy getting life ready for her, but life in the fast lane has brought me a cold and I can barely find time to do this post! I promise a nice long post by Sunday. I miss all of you and have been following all of your news, even though I haven’t been commenting.

Have a wonderful weekend!

I threw up when I woke up this morning. I’ve been in denial, hoping my nausea was from the UTI amoxicillin, but it’s definitely still morning sickness. Being at work was hard. I wore a dress and knee-high boots that made me look fat. I’m not pregnant “enough” to look pregnant, I just look like I’ve gained 20 pounds! I’m excited to show properly! I have had more energy and need my car naps at lunch less and less. I still took one today, but woke up before the alarm I’d set on my phone. During my commute home I started to feel ill again, and threw up when I got home. I was more careful to eat snacks between meals today, but it didn’t seem to help. I also haven’t gone to the bathroom in over 24 hours (and believe me, I don’t mean peeing!). The constipation causes sharp pains in my abdomen throughout the day. I haven’t bought Miralax yet, which was recommended by another blogger, but I will ASAP! I’m not used to being constipated, and it doesn’t help that salads and vegetables don’t appeal to me when I’m nauseous. Before dinner I took a Zofran and went out for a run. To my surprise, I had tons of energy on the run too. I even sprinted a block at the end.

After a shower, I made pizza!

I love pizza, especially thin, cornmeal-and olive oil-soaked crust and lots of cheese. This isn’t a recipe exchange blog, I was just so inspired by the recipe posts I wanted to share morefood pictures!

I used Trader Joe’s whole wheat crust and jarred sauce for convenience as it’s a weekday, but making both is easy and gluten-free crust is delicious!

Red peppers, black olives, vegetarian sausage and kale:

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Add organic mozzarella:

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And bake at 500 degrees for the best result:

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I managed to save a few pieces for J, who gets home from a business trip late tonight!

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It’s been a looooong time since my last post, so I’m going to do lots of pregnancy updates, then write another post about our holidays.

My mother was in town for Christmas. She’s a midwife so it was super helpful to have her here, and she got to accompany us to two prenatal appointments – our first official prenatal check-up and our genetic consultation. We went for lots of walks and talked about all things baby!

11 Weeks

Our first prenatal appointment was long, but just reviewed a lot of stuff we already know about health, nutrition, and the baby’s development. That ultrasound was awesome – the baby was floating up and down and waved a hand at us twice! Here’s our 11-week ultrasound pic from 12/23/14:

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Genetic Testing

On 12/26/14 we had our genetic test. My mom, J and I met with a counselor who asked the genetic history of J and the sperm donor. As J is an orphan and doesn’t have any known bio relatives, and our sperm donor is squeaky clean, it was very fast! The counselor drew a family tree that consisted of two branches, then said he was done. We brought our donor’s medical and genetic profile from Fairfax Cryobank, which he flipped through, but the donor has no medical issues and no remarkable family medical history. The counselor did a great job of explaining everything to us and outlining each available test. We had the non-invasive Verify blood test done, which is a cell-free fetal DNA test where they analyze pieces of the baby’s DNA from my bloodstream. It’s amazing to me that they can find out so much from my own bloodstream! We are still waiting for the results, which will notify us of any risk of Down’s Syndrome, Trisomy 13 and Trisomy 18. It will also tell us the sex of the baby.

Boy or Girl?

A side note on little boys and girls – I desperately want a healthy baby and will immediately be excited and embrace either sex or anything in between. I have a strong desire for a girl however, and we’re inviting our little one to be a little girl. I’ve always been a girl’s girl, I love everything female, both friends and lovers. I have two sisters, and I went to my mom’s alma mater women’s college. I was brought up to be a feminist. I love make-up and dresses and baking with my sis and girl talks. I know I’d have a great mother-daughter bond, but if we welcome a boy, I’m going to learn a whole lot and love that, too!

12 Weeks – Finally!

I didn’t have another appointment scheduled until next Friday, but yesterday I was having a tough time feeling like I could still miscarry. Every day I struggle with this, wondering if the baby is still okay. I called our nurse and she got me in at the end of the day for a reassuring ultrasound, which J
also showed up for!

Yesterday, 1/2/15, we finally reached 12 weeks!

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Morning Sickness

I’ve continued to struggle with awful morning sickness. The week before Christmas I threw up a few nights in a row. I’ve continued to wake up around 3am most nights feeling like there’s poison coursing through my veins. My cure is half an almond butter and jam sandwich and a cup of almond milk, which usually settles my stomach until the morning. I can’t eat Thai food, or anything very rich. I finally got a prescription for Zofran, which helps a lot, but some nights I still throw up. On Tuesday night I threw up dinner, then woke up in the morning and threw up bile on New Years Eve and went to work feeling totally dejected! I do feel grateful for the sickness at times; it’s a way for our baby to communicate to me that everything is okay.

Little Baby Belly

I’m not a big fan of belly pics, especially after struggling with weight gain for the past few years, but I’ve had some requests so I’ll do one once a month!

Generally people don’t start showing until 12-16 weeks, but I’m definitely already there! Due to the subchorionic hematoma, I haven’t been able to exercise very much. Add a lot of Christmas eating and morning sickness carbs and you get a bloated and quickly growing belly, which I’m trying to embrace!

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I’m finally able to work out again! I went for a run on New Year’s Day, huffing and puffing but loving every second. I’ve done a few workout videos with light weights too, and tonight I’m headed to a restorative yoga class and sound bath, which incorporates chanting and vibrational gongs! In a week I’ll be in the second trimester, and I can’t wait!

This post is named for one of my all-time favorite songs by Alix Olsen, an incredible lesbian feminist slam poet and artist.

*TMI and threatened miscarriage mentioned

The last 24 hours have been so heart-wrenching, confusing, and exhausting. I spent the weekend engrossed in morning sickness, waking up at 3am to throw up, throwing up before we went out Saturday night, throwing up after lunch in Sunday. It was reassuring but so nasty! I was also exhausted, taking naps throughout the day. Sunday night I gave in and took unisom and B6 so that I could function at work Monday.

Yesterday the sickness was definitely better, but I was still so tired. I could barely shower and eat dinner after work. Once we were settled on the couch watching Intervention (our latest obsession), I went to the bathroom and found blood. A lot. I called J and she looked at it and we decided it was just the hematoma. A few minutes later, however, I felt it gushing. It was literally dripping out of me. J called the after-hours nurses line and we WAITED forty-five minutes for the nurse to call us back, only to ask me my symptoms and confirm we should go to the ER, which is what I was planning to do anyway. At the ER, we WAITED over an hour, were triaged, then told there were seven people more urgent ahead of me, possibly another two-hour WAIT. I went to the nurse’s station to tell the check-in nurse that we were leaving. He said, and I quote, “Well, if you want me to be honest with you, if you’re bleeding that much before twenty weeks, it’s probably a miscarriage.” I was floored. I snapped at him that I have a hematoma and that’s actually not necessarily true, then realized I was talking to a man who thought it was okay to say what he said in the first place. A casual, heartless, asshole thing to say that didn’t require a response. Let me just point out, not that I have to, that a female nurse would never say such a thing. On the way to the parking garage I burst into tears. I felt like I was starting to dread, to morn, to have the feeling of finding out about a miscarriage.

We somehow went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night still bleeding out clots. Today I WAITED through an absolutely mandatory all-day training. My psychologist license expires at the end of this month and I needed the in-person CEUs to renew it. On the way there, I talked to a Kaiser nurse who scheduled me mercilessly for a 4:00pm ultrasound. The training was excellent, thank goodness, and it kept me somewhat distracted all day. A lunch I explained what was happening to the LA DMH training facilitator what was happening, and she was sympathetic but told me she wasn’t comfortable giving me the CEU certificate if I left the training, so I forced myself to stay until the end, more WAITING. She also told me about her own miscarriage (thanks, I really needed to hear that right then).

Traffic on the 110 to Kaiser was horrific; basically, stopped most of the way. By that time I was resigned, knowing I was late, baby may or not be inside me, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about either but WAIT.

My phone died. J had called me on the freeway to say she was there waiting for me, but at the medical office I couldn’t find her. I asked the nurses frantically if they could contact her, but they couldn’t find or get ahold of her cell either. The nurse put me in the exam room to WAIT for the doctor and I finally lost it, just say there crying. I’d held it together all day, put on a nice outfit and make-up, found a nice sandwich shop for lunch, participated throughout the training. I let myself go. The nurse and doctor finally came in and I explained why I was freaking out, then as he was about to put the ultrasound wand in, J knocked on the door and rushed in. He put the wand in and there was my baby, heart throbbing, and bigger than last week. Sweet relief, more tears; the waiting was over.

Fetal heart rate is 171 today. Measurement 8.5 weeks, exactly where we should be.

I still feel amped up, like something scary is happening. It was a long time to not know what was going on. The doctor explained that every time I have a bleed that bad, the only way to know that the baby is okay is to have an ultrasound. He also said that having so much blood with clotting and cramps is normal for a hematoma, and I may bleed again.

At least I know what to expect if it happens again. The first time it happened, at six weeks, I also had cramping, but this time was somehow scarier. We’d graduated from the fertility clinic and I just wasn’t expecting it, and it was more blood than I’d had previously. Before we left the office, J said something very wise, that we’d already had to go through one real miscarriage, let’s not feel like we’re having another one until it really happens.

Here I am, back on the couch, trying to calm down. Checking my pulse, looking at pictures of the baby’s pulse. I want to start enjoying this pregnancy and getting excited, but I guess at this point, just staying calm for a few days will be a step in the right direction.

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We had a good ultrasound this morning. Our doctor kept saying how much the fetus has grown! She showed us the flickering heartbeat immediately, and we couldn’t believe how big the baby has gotten in just a week!

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The heartbeat was 160 bpm – sweet relief! Oh wow, it was such a fantastic feeling!

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We “graduated” from our fertility clinic. Our doctor said that we have less than 10% chance of miscarriage now. I’m still cautious, but much more excited now. Our doctor gave us a USB with pics of all our ultrasounds, and we got to write our initials and due date on a dot and hang it on their baby calendar. Our doctors and IVF coordinator gave us big hugs, and our awesome nurse did a birthday dance for me 🙂 I’m going to miss them a lot; they’ve been such a great team.

I want to write more but I’m so tired! Work was very busy today and J took me out for dinner. Every year of my childhood my sisters and I got a homemade ice cream cake with Oreo cookie crust. I love strawberry shortcake ice cream bars, so this year J got creative and made me a strawberry shortcake ice cream cake! It was incredible!

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I’ll write a longer post this weekend when the holiday traveling and eating calm down, but I wanted to share with everyone that our baby is okay. I don’t take this baby for granted for one second. Every day that goes by I feel grateful that s/he is still around, and hopeful that s/he’ll stay.

We had another ultrasound yesterday, at 6 weeks, 6 days. Instead of the fertility clinic, we did it at Kaiser, which was free, not even a co-pay; way better than our usual $300! The wait was long, though, and the ultrasound quality way lower.

I explained to the doctor that we did IVF, that we hadn’t graduated from the fertility clinic yet, that I had a MC this summer and that I had a hematoma and bled out last week.
He immediately reassured me that baby is still alive and well. He showed us the hematoma, but it was hard to see and not nearly as clear as last week. I don’t know if it was just the machine, or if it reduced in size in the last week.

The heartbeat was 114 bpm. I was hoping for higher but it’s completely normal. He measured the fetus at 6 weeks, 4 days, which is also normal. Just hang on, little one! Keep growing!

We drove to San Diego last night with cooking in tow – I made cranberry sauce, cornbread stuffing, apple pie and pumpkin pie. I love homemade T day food! J’s mom made an organic turkey, cheesy potatoes, and green bean casserole. This morning we took a long walk – my first exercise in days! It’s 80 degrees here and sunny.

My symptoms are pretty reassuring too – totally breathless, boobs extremely sore, nauseous all day.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates! I’m so grateful for my WP community of compassionate, intelligent and caring women.

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