Archives for posts with tag: first trimester

Warning: Miscarriage symptoms and personal TMI mentioned

It’s been a really difficult couple of days. I’ve been convinced I’m having a miscarriage, then relieved at every little sign that maybe I’m not. After the breast soreness diminished two nights ago, I had some pink spotting yesterday when I woke up. I was sobbing before I even had my coffee. J finally returned from her business trip last night. It was amazing to pile into bed with her and the kitties and just have her next to me after being alone all week worrying. My breasts started to feel super sore again last night, which was exciting. I felt like it was an excellent sign, but when I woke up this morning, there was more pink spotting. Even worse, I had cramps. Mild, them moderate, then mild again.

I got dressed so we could got to the clinic and have another beta just for reassurance. J started to get ready too. We were sitting on the ottoman, putting shoes on soberly, and I just looked at her and said, “I can freak out and ruin the Saturday we’ve been looking forward to, or I can ride it out and we can enjoy our day.” I decided we should just embrace the day and try to be positive. We had a phone meeting with our potential photographers, so instead of cancel I put on a brave face and we enjoyed our meeting with them. (Caitlyn, if you’re reading this, it’s the wonderful photographers you recommended!)

After the meeting I started crying again. I’ve been feeling more dread and sadness than anxiety. I cried in J’s arms and we were just sad and confused. Then the spotting turned to brown. It was stringy, which I know from my last pregnancy is actually good; it’s old blood from either implantation or uterine stretching. We felt a little bit reassured, but the cramping continued. I left the house to get a haircut. Brave face again.

We ate homemade Thai food and took a long nap, followed by a long walk in which we got really excited about wedding stuff and made some fun plans. I a way I thought maybe I should stay in bed for the day, but it helped to get out of the house. I kept cramping all afternoon, and started using an extra progesterone, as suggested by our IVF coordinator. Tonight we got dressed up and went to for an awesome date, out to dinner in Echo Park and to an industrial art space show where J has done some welding classes.

I feel optimistic. It’s possible that I’m not having a miscarriage, that our little nugget is still here, still alive and fighting and feeling loved. If I am in fact having a miscarriage, it will be a very difficult week and I can’t imagine how awful it would be to have to go through it all over again. I hope and pray that we are lucky and in a couple of weeks and then months we can celebrate that everything was healthy.

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I started this blog as a way to document our decision to do reciprocal IVF, and the process, so other lesbians choosing this path could learn about it and I could meet others doing egg sharing. It’s quickly turned into a pregnancy blog! It happened so fast, I just can’t believe it. I feel incredibly lucky and also like I’m living in a dream. I’m so aware of my audience, of the different experiences and paths all of you strong women are going through. I respect and honor all of the joys, sorrows, doubts, and frustrations of every blogger I follow and every blogger who follows this blog.

I want to share our first ultrasound! It was crazy in a good way. We woke up early Saturday morning and rushed to the clinic. We were both exhausted from my insomnia, which keeps both of us up. Our doctor did a vaginal u/s and found a gestational sac and a yolk sac. There was also a tiny flickering heartbeat! 113 bpm. We heard it and saw it strong and adorable on the machine! She said everything looked great and it was the best possible outcome. Most importantly, there was only one! No twins. For a second I was really disappointed but that quickly turned into relief; relief that the baby wouldn’t have the risk that comes with multiples, and relief that I wouldn’t be physically carrying multiples.

We only have one more u/s at the fertility clinic; our doctor said we’ll graduate at 8 weeks. They say the first trimester, but from what I’ve read on other blogs, it’s usually 8 weeks. The doctor also said that prior to the u/s our miscarriage risk was about 50%, but now she guesses it’s down to 20%. I don’t understand this statistics stuff – last weekend when I bled, my mother (who’s a midwife) said the risk was 50%, but the on-call doctor from our clinic said it was “much lower” than that, but it turns out it probably was 50%. Can’t doctors from the same clinic have the same idea about such things?! We don’t even believe any of our clinic’s fertility stats because they haven’t done research on lesbian couples with no history of fertility problems anyway, so who knows.

We spent the morning in bliss, calling our families and emailing them the video J took of the heartbeat. We also got two books – What to Expect, of course, as a daily reference, and The Complete Organic Pregnancy by Deirdre Dolan and Alexandra Zissu. I’m in morning sickness hell. It started at exactly 6 weeks, 1 day. I spent the weekend gagging, not throwing up, unfortunately, eating lots of nasty crackers I’m now sick of, and lying around feeling yucky. I’m glad to have symptoms because I know they’re good signs, but man I’m sore, tired, queasy, dizzy and short of breath!

I’m still adjusting to the new job and haven’t had much time or energy for blogging, but my next post will surely cover it, especially having morning sickness alllllll dayyyyy long when no one around you knows what’s wrong!