Archives for posts with tag: FET

Last night we tested before bed. I wanted to wait until the am when urine is more concentrated, but I also wanted to experience of testing with J, when she’s awake, not alone at 5am. I waited several hours without using the bathroom and tested right before bed. After the two-minute wait I had J to into the bathroom and look at it first. It was way darker than the morning! I couldn’t believe it. We were so excited. I feel so hopeful. I want more and more Hcg and then a MC-free pregnancy, not just for myself but for all of you, too.

Here’s a comparison of the tests I took yesterday morning and last night – big change in 16 hours!

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And the evening test without the handy darkening filter:

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The cool, windy LA weather made for a weekend that almost felt like fall back home. Halloween night I made spaghetti and meatballs the tradition of my grandmother. I was a vegetarian for fifteen years, vegan for some of that, but I’ve been enjoying eating farm-raised meat for the last few years. Most of the time I eat vegan meatballs, either frozen or homemade, but these real meatballs, with parsley and freshly grated Parmesan, were really incredible.

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The GF pumpkin spice donut holes also came out really well. They’re baked in mini muffin tins. They taste fried because they’re dipped in melted butter and covered in cinnamon and sugar. Seriously, so good.

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Here’s the recipe, although I’m not sure of the re-posting etiquette:

http://www.agirldefloured.com/2012/11/07/gluten-free-pumpkin-doughnut-holes/

On Saturday we headed downtown and did some community service. J was presenting at a career fair at the Inner City Arts school in downtown LA. Such a cool program. I hung out and folded origami while listening to J and her coworker talk to high school kids about becoming an architect.

I was cramping a LOT. Constantly, all day, as if I had my period. Last time I felt tiny sharp pains in one specific spot. Yesterday I did feel some of this, but mostly it was all over cramps for 36 hours straight. I was excited. I also noticed two distinct symptoms – my breasts were starting to get sore, and we’re progressively more sore throughout the weekend, and I started to feel breathless. Being breathless was my most prominent symptom when I was last pregnant; I would be short of breath just walking around the house.

Last night we went to see Gone Girl. I don’t like to ruin movies for people by going on and on about how great they are and raising expectations, but I’m telling you, this movie is great. I read the book when it first came out and loved it, but the trailer looked boring so I thought I’d be disappointed. For one, the trailer didn’t give too much away. Gillian Flynn has written two other books, Dark Places and Sharp Objects. If you liked Gone Girl, I highly recommend the other two. They’re a little more horror than GG, in fact GG is the mildest. It’s a psychological thriller but also just a drama. J, on the other hand, insists it’s the scariest movie she’s ever seen due to the well-played mind fucks featured througout, how husband and wife play each other ruthlessly. I could write an entire post just about this movie, but I won’t because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. If you like psych thrillers, just read these books and see the movies (I think Dark Places is also being turned into a movie).

After the movie we went to the bookstore and I bought two wedding magazines, then went to La Boulange and split a grass-fed burger, greens, and pickles. I had a natural creme soda and J had a glass of wine. We looked through the wedding magazines and talked about venues. We’ve been so busy lately and it was nice having a weekend to ourselves. I love daylight savings!

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We had a discussion about when to test again last night (I’m going to gloss over it but it ended in a bit of an argument because I was so emotional and defensive, trying to plan for a BFN just in case, and J believes you should always assume the best and put forth positive energy). Anyway, we had a good night of sleep and at 5am I woke up and tested the very very faint line I posted this morning. I fell back asleep smiling, not wanting to wake J up, and a couple of hours later surprised her with the photograph. We had a celebratory breakfast of pumpkin pancakes and scrambled eggs with veggies and cheese.

I have a crazy week ahead – tomorrow I drive to Santa Ana in a full suit to testify in court which is very nerve-wracking. Tuesday morning after my first beta I have a training in Twin Towers jail (I work for Jail Services). Then I have three long 11-hour days. I’ve been so nervous about something bad happening during this long week, but I’m also so excited and hopeful that my Hcg will continue to climb and I’ll be successfully pregnant!

I hope the line gets darker. I want this so badly. We’ve been talking to the embies, continuing to ask them to stay put and stay healthy.

For those of you in So Cal, I hope you’re enjoying this cozy fall weather!

5dp5dt, very early and very faint.

With a filter:

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Without a filter:

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I’m not religious, but I’ve always felt connected to the world in a spiritual way. My parents brought us up agnostic, but I wanted so badly to have a spiritual outlet. In sixth grade I started going to my friend’s Methodist church with her family, joined the choir and the youth group and loved it. When I was nineteen my mom sent me to Kripalu, a yoga center in eastern Massachusetts where I meditated, did yoga and prayed all day, and I loved that too. Finally in graduate school I found the Unitarian church and it really resonated. I went every week for about two years, then wanted something even more and started attending an extremely liberal Christian church in San Diego with a gay pastor, and kept going to Christian churches for a couple of years. When my life kind of fell apart a little over two years ago, I stopped going to any church and I haven’t been back since, although it’s been calling to me lately.

I do believe that there’s a higher power out there, but I also believe a lot of it is science. I believe in a higher order and in chaos theory. I believe that if you put your attention into something in a positive way, you create thoughts and actions that set things in action in the direction you’re paying attention to. I’ve seen the studies where water that is prayed over crystalizes in beautiful ways.

This is just background info for what I’m about to say. I’ve been praying several times a day. I’ve been talking to God, to the Universe. I’ve been looking for signs and talking to my embies and pretty much begging for a pregnancy, and then for that pregnancy to last. Please.

Yesterday morning I woke up in a wonderful mood. Usually I’m tiptoeing around in the dark, trying to leave and not wake J up, but yesterday she woke up early too, turned on all the lights and we had coffee together. I sang Prince’s “Purple Rain” to her because it’s one of our songs. Prince and J are both from Minnesota and we once slow danced to this song in my living room.

A few minutes later, on my 110 South commute, I started sobbing. I was overcome with a sense of need and desire for the embies to implant, and to stay. I started telling them that we would be excellent moms, that they would grow up in a calm, happy household, that we would do the very best we could, that they wanted to stay because we’re a good choice for them. I asked for God to bring me the abundance I’ve been hoping for in 2014, asking for forgiveness for my negativity, and continued strength to hold the good things coming my way with grace.

While I was crying, I looked up and the license plate in front of me said “USC Keck School of Medicine.” This is the school connected to our fertility clinic, where our doctor teaches. I took this as a sign. Suddenly, Prince’s “Living Comet” came on the radio. Living comets, shooting stars, as our doctor calls them, the shooting stars that our embies looked like as they floated into my uterus.

I’m saying another prayer right now – embies, please burry in. Please get warm and comfortable. Please stick around and trust that J and I will welcome you, take care of you, raise you well, make you laugh, support you. Please stay.

Here’s a quick synopsis of our embryo transfer yesterday, since it was so similar to the first one! You can read the details of my spring 2014 transfer here:


Yesterday morning I did some yoga and meditation, ate a healthy breakfast and got ready to go to the clinic. This time I kept my bladder full, which I wasn’t so good at the first time. The financial “counselor” called us in first so we could settle the $4,000 for the procedure. Our IVF coordinator brought me a Valium which was very nice of her. Most people don’t take a Valium for the transfer, but I’ve had vasal-vagal reactions to pap smears before, and although I’ve gotten better at deep breathing and not almost passing out, I figured it would help me calm down and deal with the small pain of the procedure.

I wore the hospital socks they gave J during her egg retrieval for good luck (thank you, LadyLove)! I wore the same dress I wore last time, which I hope will become a maternity dress. I loved all of the awesome rituals you all shared with me on transfer/IUI day – thank you! It really helped me feel excited and supported yesterday. You’re all so creative and nurturing about this process.

The transfer went perfectly – the embryologist passed our embryos to our doctor and she slid them through the catheter. I didn’t see the “shooting star” like I last time, but we could see the catheter in the ultrasound machine, and at the end we could clearly see the two bright white spots of the embryos, which are actually just the fluid around the embryos, as they’re microscopic. Our doctor said that the embryos were pretty advanced, almost like 6-day blasties. We also have assisted hatching. I don’t know if that means that the embryo hatches faster, but I know that the embryologists somehow get the process of hatching started before the transfer.

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We stopped at the french bakery near our house on the way home for a chocolate croissant and bread pudding. I took two naps yesterday and watched a cute indie movie called Expecting on Amazon. I ate an delectable grilled cheese and kale sandwich and soup, and in the afternoon my croissant with warm almond milk. I’m not so good at bedrest, and I also cleaned up the house, made homemade cream of celery soup, and helped J make fajitas for dinner. So far today I haven’t had many carbs, just eggs, vegetables, nuts, fruit, chicken and hummus, as I read that a whole foods, high-protein diet is good for implantation. I do plan on eating some bread pudding tonight though!

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I tried to take it easy at work today but I ended up having to cover an Anger Management group that was awful. Two women cursed me out and walked out of group just because I started with a relaxation exercise. I was so anxious I sweated through my dress. Other than that, I was able to stay pretty calm. When J got home she ran over and said hello to the embies. We’re sending them so much love and hope.

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I knew that I would feel anxious about implanting, but I actually feel terrified. I feel like I’m going to cry from the fear. I also feel warm and happy, having J’s embies back inside of me where they belong.

I feel like I’m holding my breath. This morning when I woke up I spent some time praying, asking for our embies to hatch successfully, to burry in, and to stay. I visualized this happening. I feel so much more connected to them than I did the first time, probably because I felt close with my fetus who didn’t make it, and have had four more months to think about them, four more months to see us as moms, four more months to understand that these last two embies are so loved and depended on.

Tonight I’ll post a brief story of our transfer with some pictures. I’ll have extra time after work now during the time I usually work out for an hour.

There’s a lot to catch up on since we returned from Italy, and with our new engagement, it’s happening fast! One thing I like about IVF is the flexibility and control you have with scheduling, although if you’re trying to conceive in your own home, I supposed it’s way more flexible! I stayed on the birth control a few extra days when we got back so that I would have Day 2 of my period on a Saturday and not have to miss work.

Day 2 we had an ultrasound and my lining was normal for that time of the month (very thin). I had the same endometrial cysts I’d had prior to starting our original IVF cycle in the spring, which they weren’t worried about. They call these “chocolate” cysts because they’re full of blood and dark, and I just want to say that I think that’s gross. Thanks for ruining chocolate for me, fertility clinic. Because things were normal, I didn’t have to have any bloodwork. The nurse went over our cycle schedule with us. I started Estrace twice daily.

Today we went in for my hydrosonogram to see if there was any scarring from the D & C. I took ibuprofen and a Valium, because I have vasal-vagal reactions when it comes to medical things being in my vagina. Our favorite nurse took mercy on me and brought it out to the waiting room. I waited for it to kick in, but while I was getting undressed I saw the tools and speculum on the counter and thought about how the doctor who discovered our miscarriage was about to do my procedure. I started sobbing. I’ve been so happy with the engagement and work and everything that I haven’t felt very emotional, and all of a sudden I was scared. Scared that something would be wrong, or that we won’t get pregnant, or worst of all, that we’ll have another miscarriage. J was of course sweet and supportive.

When the doctor came in (our own doctor wasn’t there today), I told her I love her but she better tell me something good because now I associate her with my miscarriage. I know, I have no filter. I had an US first. My uterine lining is 5.9mm and they want it to be 7 by Tuesday, so that’s fine. However, once I was in the stirrups and the doctor put the catheter through my cervix, I was extremely uncomfortable. It hurt! Wow. I don’t even want to think about the pain. She apparently put water in my uterus and looked around but I was so uncomfortable I had to take J’s word for it. There was good news though, no scarring and my uterus looks great.

I went up to Estrace 3x daily today. Our embryo transfer is scheduled for October 28th. Doing IVF and working full-time is really hard. I don’t want to miss any work, especially since we have a clinical meeting every morning at 8 and then I have clients and groups back-to-back, and rescheduling things is really difficult. Today our IVF coordinator emailed to ask if we could change the transfer to the 29th, but I’m already booked with clients all day that day, so I asked it to be kept on the 28th. Then I get anxious – what day is best for our blastie? So many factors to consider, but our nurse said that it doesn’t matter which day we do it, it was just a scheduling consideration. Our embryo is actually kind of a 6-day blastocyst, as it grew an extra day after our original transfer before it was frozen. J pointed out that these embies are frozen in time – if this one becomes our little child, he or she will be several months older that she really is, if you count the time she spent frozen at the clinic, waiting for us to create her.

Since we’re only transferring one embryo, and since I experienced a miscarriage I didn’t think would happen, I’m not as excited as I was last time. I feel that anything could happen and I’m just going to try to be as open as possible. In the meantime, I’ve been sick with a cold this whole week and haven’t been exercising too much, but trying to eat healthy and drink decaf instead of regular in the afternoons. Our fertility doctor doesn’t think that any special diets or herbs will make any difference with implantation or any other part of IVF, but she does suggest eating healthy and cutting way back on exercise during implantation, so that’s what we plan on doing.

J has a new niece. She’s three weeks old. J just left for the baptism, and because I keep getting sick I didn’t want to travel or get the new baby sick, so we canceled my plane ticket and I’m home alone for the weekend. I’m having fun looking at engagement rings and thinking about wedding and baby stuff! I’m very sorry to miss her new niece’s baptism, though, and can’t wait to meet the little baby soon!