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I’m not religious, but I’ve always felt connected to the world in a spiritual way. My parents brought us up agnostic, but I wanted so badly to have a spiritual outlet. In sixth grade I started going to my friend’s Methodist church with her family, joined the choir and the youth group and loved it. When I was nineteen my mom sent me to Kripalu, a yoga center in eastern Massachusetts where I meditated, did yoga and prayed all day, and I loved that too. Finally in graduate school I found the Unitarian church and it really resonated. I went every week for about two years, then wanted something even more and started attending an extremely liberal Christian church in San Diego with a gay pastor, and kept going to Christian churches for a couple of years. When my life kind of fell apart a little over two years ago, I stopped going to any church and I haven’t been back since, although it’s been calling to me lately.

I do believe that there’s a higher power out there, but I also believe a lot of it is science. I believe in a higher order and in chaos theory. I believe that if you put your attention into something in a positive way, you create thoughts and actions that set things in action in the direction you’re paying attention to. I’ve seen the studies where water that is prayed over crystalizes in beautiful ways.

This is just background info for what I’m about to say. I’ve been praying several times a day. I’ve been talking to God, to the Universe. I’ve been looking for signs and talking to my embies and pretty much begging for a pregnancy, and then for that pregnancy to last. Please.

Yesterday morning I woke up in a wonderful mood. Usually I’m tiptoeing around in the dark, trying to leave and not wake J up, but yesterday she woke up early too, turned on all the lights and we had coffee together. I sang Prince’s “Purple Rain” to her because it’s one of our songs. Prince and J are both from Minnesota and we once slow danced to this song in my living room.

A few minutes later, on my 110 South commute, I started sobbing. I was overcome with a sense of need and desire for the embies to implant, and to stay. I started telling them that we would be excellent moms, that they would grow up in a calm, happy household, that we would do the very best we could, that they wanted to stay because we’re a good choice for them. I asked for God to bring me the abundance I’ve been hoping for in 2014, asking for forgiveness for my negativity, and continued strength to hold the good things coming my way with grace.

While I was crying, I looked up and the license plate in front of me said “USC Keck School of Medicine.” This is the school connected to our fertility clinic, where our doctor teaches. I took this as a sign. Suddenly, Prince’s “Living Comet” came on the radio. Living comets, shooting stars, as our doctor calls them, the shooting stars that our embies looked like as they floated into my uterus.

I’m saying another prayer right now – embies, please burry in. Please get warm and comfortable. Please stick around and trust that J and I will welcome you, take care of you, raise you well, make you laugh, support you. Please stay.

Is there a tiny Korean-Italian nugget inside me? I tried to wait until my Beta or at least the day before (which is today). But we had 2 tests leftover from when J had to confirm her trigger shot with the clinic and my conception friend was testing yesterday morning so of course I did too. Read on.

4DP5DT: Saturday we spent the whole day shopping at an outdoor mall to update my professional wardrobe for my new job, and add to J’s architecture meeting garb. I felt so many implantation cramps that I was very optimistic. I’m certain that I know exactly where that embie burried into my uterus: very low on the right side. I felt tiny sharp pains, cramping and a pulling sensation for three days. Anyway, I went into several baby stores but chickened out. Finally J found this, bless her heart I know she was just humoring me!:


5DP5DT: Yesterday I woke up and took a test right away. It was 5DP5DT, too early, but I got this:


The day was fraught with mixed anxiety and excitement. I sent the pic to my mom and sis who both saw the very faint second line. J said she saw the line but it was too early and she wasn’t going to add to my crazy-making. I bought brand-name pregnancy tests and decided to try again.

6DP5DT: This morning I tested again and got this (enhanced with black-and-white filter):


What do you think out there in blog land?

I googled “very faint line on pregnancy test” and the concensus is that a very faint line means positive. My mother’s a midwife and she agrees. However, I’m very familiar with the risks of getting excited. Even if my Beta tests positive, I’m going to be ready for anything until the next few days, weeks and then months are over. But it’s the Year of the Horse and J’s my good luck charm so here’s hoping!

Side note: Last night we went to see Uh Huh Her! Diehard lesbian culture fans out there, you know who I mean. I remember watching the movie All Over Me my first year of college and how adorable Leisha Hailey was. Then I got into The Murmers and listened to “Genius” on repeat for a year. Of course I’ve seen every episode of The L Word once or twice. Because the concert was in West Hollywood, the mecca of L Word-type actresses, Katherine Moennig (the coveted Shane) was in the audience last night! Also I ordered my first non-alcoholic beer ever (I have to have a bottle in my hand at a concert) and it was actually pretty good!