Archives for posts with tag: 2WW

Sometimes calm, sometimes going crazy of course. I’ve been up googling symptoms in the middle of the night for the past two nights. I’ve been really emotional and teared up in Whole Foods today for no reason. What is there to cry about in Whole Foods?! I’ve felt some mild cramps and lots of twinges since yesterday, but part of me thinks I must always have this, it’s probably just gas and I’m just noticing it more. I wish I’d paid attention to my abdominal area last week so I could remember if these twinges are just part of normal life.

It’s my fourth day not exercising. I don’t really feel like eating as much although I’m still trying to eat lots of protein and vegetables, like eggs with spinach each morning and vegetable soup with chicken. Last night we went out for Thai food, which was spicy and warming.

Green curry with brown rice and egg rolls

Green curry with brown rice and egg rolls

Today Los Angeles actually feels like Halloween. The temperature dropped and it’s been chilly and overcast. I love it! It’s my day off (I work a 9/80) so I had a leisurely morning distracting myself with wedding stuff on Pinterest, then went to Whole Foods to get everything for our Halloween dinner. I’m making Marcella Hazan spaghetti and meatballs with sauteed swiss chard and gluten-free pumpkin spice donut holes. We’re handing out candy with our neighbors and planning to watch a semi-scary movie (not horror, we don’t do horror). With two or three more days until I can take a pregnancy test, I’m glad there’s cooking and wedding planning to do!

I’ve been getting adorable pictures of my niece Guiliana all day from my mom. Tomorrow is her first birthday! I’m missing it because of the FET and not being able to travel, but I sent her a gift I bought in Italy and hoping this sacrifice will give her another cousin!

Giuliana being crazy cute!

Giuliana being crazy cute!

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I’m not religious, but I’ve always felt connected to the world in a spiritual way. My parents brought us up agnostic, but I wanted so badly to have a spiritual outlet. In sixth grade I started going to my friend’s Methodist church with her family, joined the choir and the youth group and loved it. When I was nineteen my mom sent me to Kripalu, a yoga center in eastern Massachusetts where I meditated, did yoga and prayed all day, and I loved that too. Finally in graduate school I found the Unitarian church and it really resonated. I went every week for about two years, then wanted something even more and started attending an extremely liberal Christian church in San Diego with a gay pastor, and kept going to Christian churches for a couple of years. When my life kind of fell apart a little over two years ago, I stopped going to any church and I haven’t been back since, although it’s been calling to me lately.

I do believe that there’s a higher power out there, but I also believe a lot of it is science. I believe in a higher order and in chaos theory. I believe that if you put your attention into something in a positive way, you create thoughts and actions that set things in action in the direction you’re paying attention to. I’ve seen the studies where water that is prayed over crystalizes in beautiful ways.

This is just background info for what I’m about to say. I’ve been praying several times a day. I’ve been talking to God, to the Universe. I’ve been looking for signs and talking to my embies and pretty much begging for a pregnancy, and then for that pregnancy to last. Please.

Yesterday morning I woke up in a wonderful mood. Usually I’m tiptoeing around in the dark, trying to leave and not wake J up, but yesterday she woke up early too, turned on all the lights and we had coffee together. I sang Prince’s “Purple Rain” to her because it’s one of our songs. Prince and J are both from Minnesota and we once slow danced to this song in my living room.

A few minutes later, on my 110 South commute, I started sobbing. I was overcome with a sense of need and desire for the embies to implant, and to stay. I started telling them that we would be excellent moms, that they would grow up in a calm, happy household, that we would do the very best we could, that they wanted to stay because we’re a good choice for them. I asked for God to bring me the abundance I’ve been hoping for in 2014, asking for forgiveness for my negativity, and continued strength to hold the good things coming my way with grace.

While I was crying, I looked up and the license plate in front of me said “USC Keck School of Medicine.” This is the school connected to our fertility clinic, where our doctor teaches. I took this as a sign. Suddenly, Prince’s “Living Comet” came on the radio. Living comets, shooting stars, as our doctor calls them, the shooting stars that our embies looked like as they floated into my uterus.

I’m saying another prayer right now – embies, please burry in. Please get warm and comfortable. Please stick around and trust that J and I will welcome you, take care of you, raise you well, make you laugh, support you. Please stay.

Here’s a quick synopsis of our embryo transfer yesterday, since it was so similar to the first one! You can read the details of my spring 2014 transfer here:


Yesterday morning I did some yoga and meditation, ate a healthy breakfast and got ready to go to the clinic. This time I kept my bladder full, which I wasn’t so good at the first time. The financial “counselor” called us in first so we could settle the $4,000 for the procedure. Our IVF coordinator brought me a Valium which was very nice of her. Most people don’t take a Valium for the transfer, but I’ve had vasal-vagal reactions to pap smears before, and although I’ve gotten better at deep breathing and not almost passing out, I figured it would help me calm down and deal with the small pain of the procedure.

I wore the hospital socks they gave J during her egg retrieval for good luck (thank you, LadyLove)! I wore the same dress I wore last time, which I hope will become a maternity dress. I loved all of the awesome rituals you all shared with me on transfer/IUI day – thank you! It really helped me feel excited and supported yesterday. You’re all so creative and nurturing about this process.

The transfer went perfectly – the embryologist passed our embryos to our doctor and she slid them through the catheter. I didn’t see the “shooting star” like I last time, but we could see the catheter in the ultrasound machine, and at the end we could clearly see the two bright white spots of the embryos, which are actually just the fluid around the embryos, as they’re microscopic. Our doctor said that the embryos were pretty advanced, almost like 6-day blasties. We also have assisted hatching. I don’t know if that means that the embryo hatches faster, but I know that the embryologists somehow get the process of hatching started before the transfer.

blasties

We stopped at the french bakery near our house on the way home for a chocolate croissant and bread pudding. I took two naps yesterday and watched a cute indie movie called Expecting on Amazon. I ate an delectable grilled cheese and kale sandwich and soup, and in the afternoon my croissant with warm almond milk. I’m not so good at bedrest, and I also cleaned up the house, made homemade cream of celery soup, and helped J make fajitas for dinner. So far today I haven’t had many carbs, just eggs, vegetables, nuts, fruit, chicken and hummus, as I read that a whole foods, high-protein diet is good for implantation. I do plan on eating some bread pudding tonight though!

meal

I tried to take it easy at work today but I ended up having to cover an Anger Management group that was awful. Two women cursed me out and walked out of group just because I started with a relaxation exercise. I was so anxious I sweated through my dress. Other than that, I was able to stay pretty calm. When J got home she ran over and said hello to the embies. We’re sending them so much love and hope.

pineapple

Is there a tiny Korean-Italian nugget inside me? I tried to wait until my Beta or at least the day before (which is today). But we had 2 tests leftover from when J had to confirm her trigger shot with the clinic and my conception friend was testing yesterday morning so of course I did too. Read on.

4DP5DT: Saturday we spent the whole day shopping at an outdoor mall to update my professional wardrobe for my new job, and add to J’s architecture meeting garb. I felt so many implantation cramps that I was very optimistic. I’m certain that I know exactly where that embie burried into my uterus: very low on the right side. I felt tiny sharp pains, cramping and a pulling sensation for three days. Anyway, I went into several baby stores but chickened out. Finally J found this, bless her heart I know she was just humoring me!:

20140609-084938-31778943.jpg

5DP5DT: Yesterday I woke up and took a test right away. It was 5DP5DT, too early, but I got this:

20140609-085208-31928832.jpg

The day was fraught with mixed anxiety and excitement. I sent the pic to my mom and sis who both saw the very faint second line. J said she saw the line but it was too early and she wasn’t going to add to my crazy-making. I bought brand-name pregnancy tests and decided to try again.

6DP5DT: This morning I tested again and got this (enhanced with black-and-white filter):

image

What do you think out there in blog land?

I googled “very faint line on pregnancy test” and the concensus is that a very faint line means positive. My mother’s a midwife and she agrees. However, I’m very familiar with the risks of getting excited. Even if my Beta tests positive, I’m going to be ready for anything until the next few days, weeks and then months are over. But it’s the Year of the Horse and J’s my good luck charm so here’s hoping!

Side note: Last night we went to see Uh Huh Her! Diehard lesbian culture fans out there, you know who I mean. I remember watching the movie All Over Me my first year of college and how adorable Leisha Hailey was. Then I got into The Murmers and listened to “Genius” on repeat for a year. Of course I’ve seen every episode of The L Word once or twice. Because the concert was in West Hollywood, the mecca of L Word-type actresses, Katherine Moennig (the coveted Shane) was in the audience last night! Also I ordered my first non-alcoholic beer ever (I have to have a bottle in my hand at a concert) and it was actually pretty good!