Archives for category: FET

I haven’t met my WP friends in person, but I feel so close to this community of amazing women right now. I don’t even want to share my test results because I feel like if everyone can’t have a BFP or a full-term pregnancy, I don’t want to share mine. I’m going to power through though, because I know you all are used to all kinds of fertility blog posts and have felt happy or at least respectfully envious when your own news was so heartbreaking. After my miscarriage I had to unfollow a lot of blogs, and who knows if that’ll happen again. For now, I can honestly say that I’ve been excited to share my news here all day, because I love this community.

Anyway… Beta is 112. The merciful nurse called me at 12:30 instead of waiting until the end of the day. I was literally shaking when the phone rang, and my stomach had been hurting from anxiety. I was eating lunch with a coworker who knew the call I was waiting for and rushed to check on me and then hug me! I called J right away. We’re so excited!

The nurse said that my “numbers look excellent.” 112 is almost twice as high as my first beta on the same day last cycle. The first thing I asked was whether it could be a sign of twins but she said it’s too early to tell.

I guess this means that I’m four weeks. She didn’t spell it out for me or give me a due date and I forgot to ask, but I don’t care, I just want this pregnancy to last!

I’m so grateful and so happy. I feel different about this pregnancy than I did the first one in June. I’m now settled into a job I was totally stressed about taking. I love the work and the environment. I have more income. I also feel good about J and I being engaged. Last time we were committed to each other and starting a family, but we had no plans to get married. We’re closer, more settled and in a really loving and positive place right now. I’m open and hopeful!

This weekend I’m hoping to do some wedding planning and blog about it…

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It is very daring to have hope when odds are slim and you’re already fighting bitterness. One of my brave clients shared in a therapy group this week that without hope, she would still be using crack and wouldn’t be surrounded by strong, loving people at the clinic. I want to learn fromĀ her, someone who has lived in a Hell I’ll probably never know. I will have faith today, I will be grateful, and I will honor this beautiful chance at life by giving it hope.Ā 

MORNING POEM

Every morning

the world

is created.

Under the orange

sticks of the sun

the heaped

ashes of the night

turn into leaves again

and fasten themselves to the high branches –

and the ponds appear

like black cloth

on which are painted islands

of summer lilies.

If it is your nature

to be happy

you will swim away along the soft trails

for hours, your imagination

alighting everywhere.

And if your spirit

carries within it

the thorn

that is heavier than lead –

if it’s all you can do

to keep on trudging –

there is still

somewhere deep within you

a beast shouting that the earth

is exactly what it wanted –

each pond with its blazing lilies

is a prayer heard and answered

lavishly,

every morning,

whether or not

you have ever dared to be happy,

whether or not

you have ever dared to pray.

~ Mary Oliver

Lessons from the strong and complicated women of South Central

This was an incredible week at work, listening to women with trauma histories battle through their pasts, fight their addictions, realize the deliciousness of taking care of themselves, only to fall on their faces again and live to talk about it (to me). Today at work I was so overwhelmed and stressed, with clients showing up unscheduled, in crisis or needing paperwork or five clients wanting to talk to me “just for a minute.” Each session I have comes with the burden of a clinical note and I felt like I was drowning in a lake of their emotions and my desire to make things better in what little ways I try to.

In the middle of it all I stopped to fax an updated consent form to our fertility clinic, and it occurred to me that the stress of my job isn’t going to be good for my embryo transfer next week; my cortisol levels need to be balanced. I also had gone to a meditation workshop at my yoga studio Sunday night, which helped me realize something: no matter how hard I work, how emotionally involved I get with a client, how fast I type their notes, it won’t change the nature of the job. I’ll never be caught up because the second I am, a woman whose treatment I care about deeply is in the waiting room again. I can take deep breaths, slow down my documentation, stop rushing around, and probably get the same amount of work done; it’s all in my perspective. I love the feeling of being stimulated and engaged, I even like the paperwork part, but this job is definitely tipping over into excessive pressure. Once I realized that I may as well do the work but remain calm, I felt like I could show up emotionally for my clients so much more. Instead of worrying about how I was going to get everything done, I enjoyed meeting with them. Towards the end of the day, I was sitting with a woman in her twenties who experienced sexual trauma a few years ago and is having trouble dating. I usually feel a bit helpless with her because she’s incredibly negative and self-pitying, but today I felt my heart open up and reach out to her. Verbally, my interventions were genuine and had just the right amount of compassionate challenge. She seemed to respond well and we left the session on a really good note.

I’m going to try to maintain this calm all weekend and throughout our TWW. Hopefully this kind of lesson will finally sink in and I’ll just calm down in general!

Hormone Preparation

Last night I started progesterone and reduced estrogen to twice a day instead of three times. I had to order $100 worth of estrogen but have progesterone from our first cycle. This morning I had to call our IVF coordinator to confirm that I inserted a progesterone last night, or they won’t proceed with the transfer. J and I also re-did the consent form we signed at the beginning of the cycle saying we wanted to thaw and transfer one embryo; we will now be transferring two. J literally discussed with me all aspects of the possibility of having twins – where we would live, which of our mothers would help out and how, how we would save enough money to raise two children at the same time. I think she feels more comfortable now that we’ve had more experience and done more research and processing. I’m happy to be transferring two and increase the chances of getting pregnant.

Tonight we opened some champagne to celebrate J’s success at work and enjoy some final provision before I stop drinking for an undetermined amount of time. Tomorrow night I’m going to my friend’s annual costume party in San Diego and will be masquerading as the Black Canary! I’ll definitely post pics.

I’m on CD 11. This morning I went to the clinic by myself for the first time, I can’t believe J’s so sweet she’s never left me alone there! Today she had to go out of state for work but it was a piece of cake because I’m used to everything now. I had bloodwork and my progesterone is .2, which apparently is good. The US showed my lining to be between 7.6 and 8.1, a tiny bit thinner than CD 11 last cycle, but not by much. Our IVF coordinator went over everything with me; I’ll reduce the estrace to twice a day on Thursday and begin progesterone. Monday night, the night before the transfer, I take doxycycline, then another doxy dose the morning of the transfer.

J is considering transferring two embryos. We had decided to transfer only one because we really don’t want multiples, but after looking at the cost of each embryo transfer (around $5,000) and the stats, I think she’s leaning towards two. In transferring two, our clinic’s stats are 50% chance of pregnancy with 10-20% chance of twins. In transferring only one, there’s only a 20% chance of pregnancy. We only have two embryos left, so if we transfer two, we’re, um, putting all our eggs into one basket so to speak.

Work is very stressful and I’ve been subpoenaed to appear in court to testify in a criminal case my former client is involved in. This means that I’ll have to drop everything and appear in court in Santa Ana (a long drive) for a day either this week or next week. I feel like this kind of stress isn’t good for the week before or week of the transfer šŸ˜¦

I other news, we’ve been having fun looking at engagement rings! J loves artistic, structural jewelry, true to her architectural craft. She’s found a wonderful designer in Michigan who makes modern, recycled rings with conflict-free diamonds. I love their stuff, but I can’t imagine there isn’t a designer here in LA who does the same. I can’t find one that we like as much as the Michigan one.

Here’s the designer:

Kara Daniel Jewelry

The rings we’re considering:

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We would design our own custom ring from a combination of these. My mom thinks they’re too modern for me, but I love wearing something That reminds me of J and her work and passion, and I actually like the tension-set diamonds. Any thoughts? I Need help!

Thanks for being supportive of my adding in some engagement stuff!