Lessons from the strong and complicated women of South Central

This was an incredible week at work, listening to women with trauma histories battle through their pasts, fight their addictions, realize the deliciousness of taking care of themselves, only to fall on their faces again and live to talk about it (to me). Today at work I was so overwhelmed and stressed, with clients showing up unscheduled, in crisis or needing paperwork or five clients wanting to talk to me “just for a minute.” Each session I have comes with the burden of a clinical note and I felt like I was drowning in a lake of their emotions and my desire to make things better in what little ways I try to.

In the middle of it all I stopped to fax an updated consent form to our fertility clinic, and it occurred to me that the stress of my job isn’t going to be good for my embryo transfer next week; my cortisol levels need to be balanced. I also had gone to a meditation workshop at my yoga studio Sunday night, which helped me realize something: no matter how hard I work, how emotionally involved I get with a client, how fast I type their notes, it won’t change the nature of the job. I’ll never be caught up because the second I am, a woman whose treatment I care about deeply is in the waiting room again. I can take deep breaths, slow down my documentation, stop rushing around, and probably get the same amount of work done; it’s all in my perspective. I love the feeling of being stimulated and engaged, I even like the paperwork part, but this job is definitely tipping over into excessive pressure. Once I realized that I may as well do the work but remain calm, I felt like I could show up emotionally for my clients so much more. Instead of worrying about how I was going to get everything done, I enjoyed meeting with them. Towards the end of the day, I was sitting with a woman in her twenties who experienced sexual trauma a few years ago and is having trouble dating. I usually feel a bit helpless with her because she’s incredibly negative and self-pitying, but today I felt my heart open up and reach out to her. Verbally, my interventions were genuine and had just the right amount of compassionate challenge. She seemed to respond well and we left the session on a really good note.

I’m going to try to maintain this calm all weekend and throughout our TWW. Hopefully this kind of lesson will finally sink in and I’ll just calm down in general!

Hormone Preparation

Last night I started progesterone and reduced estrogen to twice a day instead of three times. I had to order $100 worth of estrogen but have progesterone from our first cycle. This morning I had to call our IVF coordinator to confirm that I inserted a progesterone last night, or they won’t proceed with the transfer. J and I also re-did the consent form we signed at the beginning of the cycle saying we wanted to thaw and transfer one embryo; we will now be transferring two. J literally discussed with me all aspects of the possibility of having twins – where we would live, which of our mothers would help out and how, how we would save enough money to raise two children at the same time. I think she feels more comfortable now that we’ve had more experience and done more research and processing. I’m happy to be transferring two and increase the chances of getting pregnant.

Tonight we opened some champagne to celebrate J’s success at work and enjoy some final provision before I stop drinking for an undetermined amount of time. Tomorrow night I’m going to my friend’s annual costume party in San Diego and will be masquerading as the Black Canary! I’ll definitely post pics.