You know when one drop of ink taints a crystal clear bowl of water? My work situation is tainting an otherwise beautiful time in my life. I won’t be listing all of the horrible awkward details here, but they include our program head making passive-aggressive comments in meetings, calling me out on mistakes no one else would have even noticed, and hiring people who don’t fit into our clinic and make everyone uncomfortable. Many of the coworkers I was close to have left or are waiting for their new hire dates – seven, to be exact, in a clinic of only about thirty people altogether. The program head has stopped making weird comments about my pumping and now is uber-sweet about it. Then today she called me out on a mistake which was really embarrassing and then told me (with a falsely sympathetic and patronizing look on her face) that I could come to her if being a new working mom is too difficult and I need to talk.
The thing that’s bothering me the most is how I respond. I’ve spent the last few months processing all of these happenings in my coworkers’ cubicles or in the hallway. I’ve given one of our new “supervisors” who doesn’t fit in and acts better than everyone else (mind you, I have a higher degree, have been licensed longer and have worked at the clinic for longer) the silent or bitch treatment, depending. I’ve said things to this woman that shock me. And recently, since she’s started being grossly sweet, I’ve made myself vulnerable to her, ie, admitting how tired I am, identifying my weaknesses. Suffice it to say, I just don’t feel comfortable about how I’m handling it all.
When I began to realize how serious the situation was a few months ago, my intention was to rise above and end up proud of how I handled it. In some ways I am – I haven’t quit, I’ve delivered what I believe to be excellent services to my clients, and I’ve supported my interns the best I can. In other ways, though, feel ashamed of my mistakes and sometimes dirty for venting so much.
It took me a long time to learn how to behave at work and in social and professional situations. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD twice by specialists who do extensive testing. Usually people grow out of this disorder, but I was re-diagnosed at age 25, which is rare. Because of my inattention and related anxiety, I do make small mistakes. I do behave impulsively sometimes. I do lapse into fight or fight reactions. I’m also really emotionally sensitive. I want to be strong and deal with this situation effectively, but it’s hard. Every day I leave my awesome child and COMMUTE to a job that then makes me feel sick. I drive away from my family. I pump three times at work and get barely any milk. Sometimes in meetings I’m so anxious and offended I’m shaking and my heart is racing. I’m on high alert all the time. And now, tonight, I’m feeling like some of it’s because I’m not smart enough, professional enough, organized enough.
I’ve known for awhile that I need to work in a certain type of environment with a boss who is supportive, easy-going and appreciates my strengths. This is NOT that environment anymore. It really was when I started, so it’s very disappointing. I am working SO hard, seeing clients back to back, working with women who refuse to see the new therapists because they don’t like them (she hires people who don’t fit into the culture) and supervising the two psychology interns day in and day out. I’m working so hard and things just get worse – I feel defeated.
I’m not sure what the universe is trying to show or teach me, but I know it’s something. Hopefully writing this will help me come to that realization. I’ve tried mindfuless, being strong, recognizing myself as much as possible, and always getting support from J. I’m hoping things will get better soon. And a little surprise if you’ve made it this far – we are seriously considering moving back to San Diego soon! So maybe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel…
reciprocallove 
I am sorry your work is not satisfying right now. I am a firm believer that usually the people you work with are more important to your quality of life then the actual work you do. I hope things improve for the better asap!
Thank you. Yes you spend so much time at work!
It sucks that things have not improved at your workplace, and that it is really taking its toll on your morale. I am impressed that you have kept committed to your job and your clients, but it must be really hard to work against your nature and in a toxic environment. I am shocked that your supervisor is in the role that she is in- it sounds like she is a bad fit for the job in many ways, and it’s sad that she’s driven 7/30 employees out, replacing them with others that are also a bad fit. That really does change the climate of your workplace. It also sucks that you have to tear yourself away from your sweet Gia to deal with the anxiety and stressful environment at work. I am excited that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel for you…. San Diego! I can’t wait to hear what you might have in store for you…
Gosh all I can say is, you totally get it! Thank you so much for this.
I am hoping for good things to come to you soon!
Ugh, work drama is the worst. I just recently came out of one of those periods where I was constantly butting heads with my boss, not connected to any of my peers at work, and really feeling like a failure. I’ve overcome some of it by getting onto what I call the DGAF (Don’t Give A F…) Train. I have to actively care LESS about the quality of the work our office does and just focus on “complying” and pleasing my power-hungry, micro-managing supervisor. It’s not a healthy approach long-term, but during this period of personal change, it’s working for me. I try to just cling to the positive aspects (flexible schedule, comfortable office space, easy commute). When the baby dust has settled, I’ll be re-assessing the quality of life in this job.
Also, super exciting about San Diego. We’re going back to visit friends next weekend (many of whom are pregnant lez!) and I cannot wait to putz around South Park and each fish tacos.
Yes, I call it the fuck it’s, I was there about a month ago, and I flip-flop, sometimes I’m trying to fight to make things better and to stick up for myself to my boss, but it’s really not worth it with a narcissist! And it’s so hard not to care when you’re a therapist and surrounded by therapists, everybody wants to process everything!
We are headed to San Diego tonight! Actually South Park is where we will live if we go back. Have a great time and enjoy the fish tacos! I miss it a lot.
I have to commend you…while you may not be exactly “proud” of how you’re handling things at work…you’re sticking it out in a shitty situation in order to provide for your child. That you’re even taking time to be insightful shows a lot of maturity and dedication to your field (it helps that you’re a psychologist as well 🙂 Along with such a huge life change, sleep deprivation, etc., you went from a supportive environment to one where just getting by one day at a time is a huge accomplishment. Sorry it sucks, and I hope it can change soon. I’m glad you can talk and write about it. Hope to see you soon and give you a big hug!