Archives for the month of: October, 2015

God this whole motherhood thing is incredible. On a daily basis I am terrified, elated, overcome with compassion and devotion, and amazed at some tiny thing she’s done – her half smile when she notices something small, like me crunching pumpkin seeds, her grabbing the window blinds with abandon as I try to pick her up from the changing station. What can I say except that I’m smitten?

I used to be smug about not wanting children – I thought (please don’t judge me, or do because I deserve it) that people with children were provincial. How predictable and boring to have a world filled with diapers, snacks, kid activities. And the baby voice! I hated that shit. 

Well I’m a convert. The other day in breast feeding support group the facilitator told us to befriend each other (which we already have) because from now on, we will want to share our time with other parents. A few years ago I would have gratefully opted out of a comment like that – a club I didn’t want admission to. But yesterday, that bit of honest insight struck my heart. There I was, in a room full of women who had just been through an experience similar to the mind-blowing, ass-kicking one I had. The woman to my left had her son at 28 weeks and spent months in the NICU and quarantined in her home with her tiny newborn. The woman to my right experiences blood-curdling screams every day while her son is in the car seat, leading to dread and guilt and struggle. I had just shared during my check-in that it was my last group and that if arrived there my first time in tears because I didn’t know how to get Gia from the car into the facility. Now I was completely at home in that modern red tent, sharing not just breast feeding tips with these same women every week, but my raw heart. Not only can I get Gia out of the car, I can eat or shop with her tucked in her wrap, breastfeed in the Ergo while shopping, and do tummy time with her while folding cloth diapers. 

But becoming a mother has been scary. I recently heard somewhere that having a child is like ripping your heart out and watching it walk around, vulnerable, outside of your body. 

When I was in high school I was severely depressed. I was the girl walking from class to class (at a fancy prep school in Connecticut, mind you, surrounded by peppy, rich, lacrosse-playing, J.Crew-wearing classmates) with my stringy hair in my face, crying. I was the emo girl, rough around the edges, but getting quickly attached to friends and lovers, then dumped for being too intense. The first time I cried for hours because I’d fallen into the black hole that is depression, my boyfriend at the time bailed, not knowing how to console me and calling my mother to duty on his way out the door. She rubbed my back for hours. I don’t know how she even went to work the next day, she must have been so fatigued. Moreover, it must have killed her to watch me sob for hours for no reason. 

These days I still rely on my mom in my darkest hours, discuss my most important decisions with her, and want to share my little joys with her. I call her before anyone else in my life, except for J. Despite not feeling an affinity for motherhood, I’ve realized since having Gia that I feel an affinity for mother-daughter relationships and always have. I hope Gia will come to me the way I do with my mom. I hope she’ll feel comfortable. Sometimes I get so excited to have this relationship, I can’t wait. I picture the days Gia might confide in me on the way home from school, or over coffee in our kitchen on a Saturday morning. I can’t believe that someday soon she’ll wobble into my arms on her own, pick out her own clothes, tell me about her day. 

I’m beyond honored to finally have my own daughter. If I can be for her what my own mother is for me, I will have a life full of rich conversations, laughs and closeness. 

   
    
 

I’m away from Gia for the first time unless you count running to the grocery store. J is having some alone time with her and I’m hitting the mall for some back-to-work non-maternity clothes! I felt empty on the way here, but I’m doing okay. Spending a lot of money! I drove all the way to Topanga mall so I’d really feel away from her. At The Grove I’d just be down the street. Plus they have an Eddie Bauer. 

Gia has refused the bottle for weeks. We finally got a Munchkin Latch, a bottle developed by one of the founders of The Pump Station – a life-changing place – and she’s had a few ounces from that bottle in the last couple of days. Today she will have no choice, poor little thing, but it’s necessary! Necessary for me to be away from her, not because I think we’re too attached, just for emotional practice before I go back to work in a couple of weeks. Necessary for J to finally get some alone time with her. Necessary for bottle feeding practice. 

I haven’t been posting because our computers suck and because I’m out with new moms from The Pump Station pretty much every day. We go to Monday Mommy Movie at The Grove, breast feeding support group, and Mommy & Me class, and out to lunch a lot. I’m not the mommy type, I swear! But these ladies aren’t what I expected – they’re laid-back, funny and down-to-earth. There’s even another lesbian who did reciprocal IVF, the first I’ve ever met in person. 

I’m keeping up with you all, sometimes silently, but sending you love!

We got dressed up for our three-year anniversary, but ended up getting room service. So much easier!   
Gia weighs 16 pounds and is 26 inches long. She’s the size of a toddler! A combination of our donor’s height and apparently some super-milk I have. 

 Outgrowing the co-sleeper

  
She started grabbing!

  Crib nap. So glad I waited for these sheet! 

Wish me luck. I’ve got my hand pump and a cooler in the car!

Gia has received two incredibly sweet and thoughtful gifs from blog friends. I really suck at gift giving and I’m always so impressed when people get it together and send gifts! Thanks to Amazon I’ve gotten better at it but in that sense I feel like I’m contributing to our over-busy, Earth-unfriendly society! Anyway, these gifts are so beautiful and we love them; Thank you My Perfect Breakdown and Lady Love and Baby Dust! I love you guys and Gia does too. 

  Wooden letter block puzzle from My Perfect Breakdown:

  
Adorable and much-needed onesies from Lady Love:

 
I’m going to start doing short random posts because actually writing just isn’t happening. I’m still following everyone but I rarely sit down at my computer anymore; I just read on my phone in the middle of the night while nursing.  

Gia is doing well. We just got back from a wonderful 10 days at my mother’s house in New Mexico. She’s still nursing a ton and was over 14 pounds and 25 inches long at her 2-month appointment!