I used to feel hopeless easily but during my quarter-life crisis at 33 (a few years ago), I leaned how to take control. I learned that’ll i want something badly enough, I can believe in it instead of fear it’s demise, I can take steps to avidly pursue it, I can go ahead and envision it, welcoming it to happen but not necessarily assuming that it will. 

A few days ago I started to write a post called “First World Desperation.” It was about our deciding not to buy a house and feeling depaerate about not having a new rental lined up. I don’t want to have my baby in a small apartment or an apartment without certain amenities – air conditioning, bathtub, washer/dryer, a nice couch. J is really good at accepting a situation and “going without,” but after ten years of wanting to get married, but a house and have a baby, I’m not feeling like compromising. We make good money, we’re stable, we have support. So we put our rental notice in for the end of March. For three days we searched for rental houses and by the end I had a full meltdown – came home from three hours AFTER WORK of looking at apartments and houses and started freaking out about having our newborn in a crappy place. I couldn’t stop crying. The next morning I woke up, got ready for work, sat down on the couch and kept sobbing. I called into work and curled into a ball in bed.

Later that morning I pulled myself together and J and I came up with a plan. We chose the most reasonable and fabulous of the places we had looked at and decided to apply. We’re now waiting to hear back from the leasing agent. I’ve been anxious and unsettled and haven’t slept much in the past week. I need this apartment to come through by the end of today so I can SLEEP and we can pack all weekend knowing we have somewhere to go!

*UPDATE*

We got the apartment! It’s really nice. It’s on a very nice street and is currently almost finished being completely renovated. Hardwood floors, all new appliances, a sun porch with French doors, two bedrooms and two bathrooms, with a deliciously modern bathtub for me to spend my third tri and labor in, and a storage and laundry room. It’ll be a great place to spend the first year of our baby’s life, and since we’re renting, it’ll be easier for us to escape LA in a year or two. Yay! Maybe I can go to sleep tonight.

I’ll leave you with a funny story. The apartment is in Koreatown – a really nice part on the edge. When J went alone to look at the apartment at first, the landlord’s mother was there to show her around. J wanted to be very clear about our family so that cultural differences would be out there from the beginning, and when she told her she had a fiancé who was a woman and was pregnant, the lady said in a thick Korean accent, “Oh, are you – what’s the word – lesbian?” She also told J she wanted someone Korean to live there and that J “sort of” counted. She ended up telling the landlord that she liked us best though, so I guess our little estrogen-filled family left a good impression on her!

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