Archives for the month of: December, 2014

I’m only 10 pills short of what I need to complete my treatment. Due to the holiday schedule, I get a final progesterone test on Monday, January 5th, which means I a few extra days. I’m planning to order the extra 10 tomorrow morning, but thought I’d check to be sure no one has some lying around they could send to LA!

I’m going to make lots of long stories short because the most important part of my day is now bedtime, and with the 11 hours a day I’m not home, I have to fight for my sleep!

Last Friday was my day off (I work a 9/80 schedule) so I spent most of my day at the doctor’s office. At Kaiser you have to sign up for prenatal care and have a consultation which takes about an hour, plus I had another ultrasound. The nurse made all of my routine prenatal appointments through March. I have two insurances, and although for now I’m using Kaiser, I’m also going to see another private doctor in January and see which I want to stick with.

The ultrasound went well. I asked the doctor for a very accurate measurement, since I’d been sobbing at my last ultrasound and the doctor had done an incorrect measurement. This time, baby was exactly on target at 9w1d!


On my way home from the doctor I got rear-ended on a quiet side street where I was slowly approaching a green light. The guy must have been on his phone because it was not a hectic intersection. He was very apologetic so I didn’t even tell him I was pregnant because it would have made him feel worse. My mom and J then insisted I go back to urgent care just in case, so I spent another hour at the doctor!

I did a bunch of bloodwork Saturday morning, most importantly my thyroid. Since I’ve been pregnant my dose has increased to 100mcg 4x/week, 50 on the other days, and my level is only 1.15 now, down from about 5. I was supposed to do a sugar level test by drinking this nasty orange stuff but the lab didn’t have it so I escaped it for another week!

I haven’t had another ultrasound since then. We’ve become used to having 1-2 a week which is too many, so I’m trying to make it until next Tuesday when the next one is scheduled. My mom will be here and it’ll be nice to have here there. I think constantly about having a miscarriage though, analyzing every bit of spotting or change in my nausea. I talk to the baby every day on our way to work. Please stay, you’re going to love living here, I love you already, how are you?

This may be the last week I can wear my old pants to work. The biggest ones are already too tight. I’ve only gained two pounds which is amazing with how much I have to eat to fend off the nausea, but it’s all in my belly. I wear a lot of dresses anyway, and it looks like it’s time to buy some maternity ones!

I’m getting excited about Christmas, which is absolutely my favorite holiday, but I’m so nervous about the baby that I can’t relax. We also have our genetic consultation and bloodwork next Friday. Because I’m over 35, we’re having a non-invasive test which is done around 10 weeks. Most women with a hematoma go on limited movement or bed rest, but our doctors say there is no reason for that and I wouldn’t be able to do it anyway because of work, so I’m taking brisk short walks and stretching. I miss kickboxing videos and yoga class!

By New Years I hope J and I are breathing a lovely sigh of relief!

This post is named for one of my all-time favorite songs by Alix Olsen, an incredible lesbian feminist slam poet and artist.

*TMI and threatened miscarriage mentioned

The last 24 hours have been so heart-wrenching, confusing, and exhausting. I spent the weekend engrossed in morning sickness, waking up at 3am to throw up, throwing up before we went out Saturday night, throwing up after lunch in Sunday. It was reassuring but so nasty! I was also exhausted, taking naps throughout the day. Sunday night I gave in and took unisom and B6 so that I could function at work Monday.

Yesterday the sickness was definitely better, but I was still so tired. I could barely shower and eat dinner after work. Once we were settled on the couch watching Intervention (our latest obsession), I went to the bathroom and found blood. A lot. I called J and she looked at it and we decided it was just the hematoma. A few minutes later, however, I felt it gushing. It was literally dripping out of me. J called the after-hours nurses line and we WAITED forty-five minutes for the nurse to call us back, only to ask me my symptoms and confirm we should go to the ER, which is what I was planning to do anyway. At the ER, we WAITED over an hour, were triaged, then told there were seven people more urgent ahead of me, possibly another two-hour WAIT. I went to the nurse’s station to tell the check-in nurse that we were leaving. He said, and I quote, “Well, if you want me to be honest with you, if you’re bleeding that much before twenty weeks, it’s probably a miscarriage.” I was floored. I snapped at him that I have a hematoma and that’s actually not necessarily true, then realized I was talking to a man who thought it was okay to say what he said in the first place. A casual, heartless, asshole thing to say that didn’t require a response. Let me just point out, not that I have to, that a female nurse would never say such a thing. On the way to the parking garage I burst into tears. I felt like I was starting to dread, to morn, to have the feeling of finding out about a miscarriage.

We somehow went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night still bleeding out clots. Today I WAITED through an absolutely mandatory all-day training. My psychologist license expires at the end of this month and I needed the in-person CEUs to renew it. On the way there, I talked to a Kaiser nurse who scheduled me mercilessly for a 4:00pm ultrasound. The training was excellent, thank goodness, and it kept me somewhat distracted all day. A lunch I explained what was happening to the LA DMH training facilitator what was happening, and she was sympathetic but told me she wasn’t comfortable giving me the CEU certificate if I left the training, so I forced myself to stay until the end, more WAITING. She also told me about her own miscarriage (thanks, I really needed to hear that right then).

Traffic on the 110 to Kaiser was horrific; basically, stopped most of the way. By that time I was resigned, knowing I was late, baby may or not be inside me, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about either but WAIT.

My phone died. J had called me on the freeway to say she was there waiting for me, but at the medical office I couldn’t find her. I asked the nurses frantically if they could contact her, but they couldn’t find or get ahold of her cell either. The nurse put me in the exam room to WAIT for the doctor and I finally lost it, just say there crying. I’d held it together all day, put on a nice outfit and make-up, found a nice sandwich shop for lunch, participated throughout the training. I let myself go. The nurse and doctor finally came in and I explained why I was freaking out, then as he was about to put the ultrasound wand in, J knocked on the door and rushed in. He put the wand in and there was my baby, heart throbbing, and bigger than last week. Sweet relief, more tears; the waiting was over.

Fetal heart rate is 171 today. Measurement 8.5 weeks, exactly where we should be.

I still feel amped up, like something scary is happening. It was a long time to not know what was going on. The doctor explained that every time I have a bleed that bad, the only way to know that the baby is okay is to have an ultrasound. He also said that having so much blood with clotting and cramps is normal for a hematoma, and I may bleed again.

At least I know what to expect if it happens again. The first time it happened, at six weeks, I also had cramping, but this time was somehow scarier. We’d graduated from the fertility clinic and I just wasn’t expecting it, and it was more blood than I’d had previously. Before we left the office, J said something very wise, that we’d already had to go through one real miscarriage, let’s not feel like we’re having another one until it really happens.

Here I am, back on the couch, trying to calm down. Checking my pulse, looking at pictures of the baby’s pulse. I want to start enjoying this pregnancy and getting excited, but I guess at this point, just staying calm for a few days will be a step in the right direction.


We had a good ultrasound this morning. Our doctor kept saying how much the fetus has grown! She showed us the flickering heartbeat immediately, and we couldn’t believe how big the baby has gotten in just a week!


The heartbeat was 160 bpm – sweet relief! Oh wow, it was such a fantastic feeling!


We “graduated” from our fertility clinic. Our doctor said that we have less than 10% chance of miscarriage now. I’m still cautious, but much more excited now. Our doctor gave us a USB with pics of all our ultrasounds, and we got to write our initials and due date on a dot and hang it on their baby calendar. Our doctors and IVF coordinator gave us big hugs, and our awesome nurse did a birthday dance for me šŸ™‚ I’m going to miss them a lot; they’ve been such a great team.

I want to write more but I’m so tired! Work was very busy today and J took me out for dinner. Every year of my childhood my sisters and I got a homemade ice cream cake with Oreo cookie crust. I love strawberry shortcake ice cream bars, so this year J got creative and made me a strawberry shortcake ice cream cake! It was incredible!


I borrowed “spark” from a very loyal and caring WP friend; hope you don’t mind! We had a wonderful Thanksgiving full of delicious food and visiting friends and family in San Diego. Late Saturday night, back at home and watching a movie, I felt a gush of blood. Sure enough, I was bleeding bright red. We paged the doctor on call at our fertility clinic, who happened to be our very own doctor. She said that it’s totally normal to bleed with a hematoma, and that we could go in any morning we want for an ultrasound, but she doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about. Each time we get an US we pay out of pocket, so we decided to stick it out and see how things go.

Birthday Wishes

I wish I could have an ultrasound every day, to see my baby’s heart beating and little body growing from the size of a blueberry, to the size of a raspberry, and then more and more. I wish to hear a strong, beautiful heartbeat on Wednesday, our next ultrasound, and also my birthday; that’s all I want when I turn 36. I wish to have a baby bump in time for J’s birthday in February. I wish for my hematoma to go away and to workout throughout a healthy second trimester. I wish for the morning sickness to serve an ultimate purpose. I wish to have a baby as adorable, smart and healthy as my nephew Gabriel and niece Giuliana. I wish to become a mother.

I wish to start knitting a baby blanket in a month, to match those I knitted for G and G.

I wish to hold my baby in a year, underneath the Christmas tree.

It absolutely fills my heart up to see Giuliana, now over a year old, cuddled with her auntie blanky, the one she came home from the hospital in. I know she and Gabriel want to meet their cousin!