Before I rant, final beta at 16 dp5dt is 3127. I’m five weeks today.

We were very short-staffed today and I had to race around, covering two therapy groups in a row and doing unscheduled walk-in triages when I wasn’t even on call. All of my scheduled clients needed more support than usual, crying and going over their session times. I’m usually patient and calm (that’s what they pay me for!) but today I found myself fidgeting and just generally not giving my all. I had sessions at 1 and 2 and still hadn’t heard from the nurse, so my nerves were shot when I raced back to my desk at 3.

There was a roller coaster of emotions as I finally listened to this voicemail, as my thoughts raced – thank God, it’s a good number, no wait, it’s too low, wait is this good or bad? I was relieved, then scared as I realized it was lower than my beta on the same day the first time I was pregnant, which was 5250. A number I’ll never forget – a number that led to celebration and confidence, followed three weeks later by shock and heartbreak. So it doesn’t mean anything, right?

My mom and the nurses have assured me that the beta is great. They’re looking for it to have a ten fold increase from the 8dp5dt beta, and it’s done that and then some.

J reminds me that whatever is happening with our embies, we have no control over it. We have to ride the wave and we’re going to be okay no matter what. I also realized how anxious and stressed I’ve been since last night, enough to seriously increase cortisol levels. I’ve decided to totally relax tonight, no light workout or walk like I’ve been doing, no googling hcg levels.

So here I am on the couch with a bowl of hot spinach fettuccine with chicken, sautéed kale and alfredo sauce, and cookies waiting, watching David Tutera’s My Fair Wedding (why doesn’t he do gay weddings?!) and gearing up for an evening of wedding planning.

Thanks for the support, you ladies are a saving grace.

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