I’m not religious, but I’ve always felt connected to the world in a spiritual way. My parents brought us up agnostic, but I wanted so badly to have a spiritual outlet. In sixth grade I started going to my friend’s Methodist church with her family, joined the choir and the youth group and loved it. When I was nineteen my mom sent me to Kripalu, a yoga center in eastern Massachusetts where I meditated, did yoga and prayed all day, and I loved that too. Finally in graduate school I found the Unitarian church and it really resonated. I went every week for about two years, then wanted something even more and started attending an extremely liberal Christian church in San Diego with a gay pastor, and kept going to Christian churches for a couple of years. When my life kind of fell apart a little over two years ago, I stopped going to any church and I haven’t been back since, although it’s been calling to me lately.

I do believe that there’s a higher power out there, but I also believe a lot of it is science. I believe in a higher order and in chaos theory. I believe that if you put your attention into something in a positive way, you create thoughts and actions that set things in action in the direction you’re paying attention to. I’ve seen the studies where water that is prayed over crystalizes in beautiful ways.

This is just background info for what I’m about to say. I’ve been praying several times a day. I’ve been talking to God, to the Universe. I’ve been looking for signs and talking to my embies and pretty much begging for a pregnancy, and then for that pregnancy to last. Please.

Yesterday morning I woke up in a wonderful mood. Usually I’m tiptoeing around in the dark, trying to leave and not wake J up, but yesterday she woke up early too, turned on all the lights and we had coffee together. I sang Prince’s “Purple Rain” to her because it’s one of our songs. Prince and J are both from Minnesota and we once slow danced to this song in my living room.

A few minutes later, on my 110 South commute, I started sobbing. I was overcome with a sense of need and desire for the embies to implant, and to stay. I started telling them that we would be excellent moms, that they would grow up in a calm, happy household, that we would do the very best we could, that they wanted to stay because we’re a good choice for them. I asked for God to bring me the abundance I’ve been hoping for in 2014, asking for forgiveness for my negativity, and continued strength to hold the good things coming my way with grace.

While I was crying, I looked up and the license plate in front of me said “USC Keck School of Medicine.” This is the school connected to our fertility clinic, where our doctor teaches. I took this as a sign. Suddenly, Prince’s “Living Comet” came on the radio. Living comets, shooting stars, as our doctor calls them, the shooting stars that our embies looked like as they floated into my uterus.

I’m saying another prayer right now – embies, please burry in. Please get warm and comfortable. Please stick around and trust that J and I will welcome you, take care of you, raise you well, make you laugh, support you. Please stay.