Again, I’m too worn out from the daily grind to write the way I want to. When J and I were hiking in Idyllwild a couple of weeks ago, we talked about all of the creative things we want to do instead of working every day. She wants to weld, build furniture, work on cars. I want to write a memoir or a novel, come up with gluten-free recipes all day, and learn to play the piano again. We both do what we love for work, and I’m totally enjoying my new job, but I’m exhausted! It makes me wonder how people with babies do it. After work, commuting, then exercising in the evening, making dinner, doing the dishes, taking care of the cats, showering, and getting ready for the next morning, how would I take care of my little one?! I know parents figure it out but it amazes me 🙂 

A few updates on the TTC front: Last Thursday my period came! It was my first period since May 7th, before I got pregnant. After a miscarriage it can take 4-6 weeks to get a period. Mine came four weeks to the day that we found out. I suspected I was getting it because I had what could only be PMS – I went on a rant about nothing at home, couldn’t find my headphones and actually threw something across our living room! A few days later, I was so excited to see the blood. It meant my body was recovering, and I felt normal again. 

We’re not going to be ready for any actual fertility stuff for awhile. We’re going to Italy at the end of September so it won’t be until at least October. Everything in IVF has to planned so far in advance though. If we do a FET too late in the fall, we won’t be able to go to my grandmother’s 90th birthday in Sarasota in February if I actually get/stay pregnant. But in order to do the FET in October, I’m supposed to go into the clinic the second day of my period, but the way my period app calculates that cycle, the second day of my period will be a day we’re still in Italy. So I emailed our IVF coordinator who suggested I go on birth control now, so that they can control when I get my period and I can still do a cycle in October. I’m waiting to hear back from her about the prescription. I don’t want to go on birth control while I’m trying to lose this extra few pounds, but I’ll do whatever it takes! 

Meanwhile, we have an appointment to consult with our fertility doctor about the miscarriage and our plan for the next cycle on September 17th. We only have two blastocysts, out of all the hard work J went through when we were harvesting and collecting her eggs. I wish we had more to work with!

It feels crazy to even be thinking about this stuff again. Part of me feels too scared to want to try again. Going through the terror of not getting pregnant at all would be awful. We’ve spent so many thousands of dollars and that would be the end of it, no way to get any of it back. Miscarrying again would be the same, but even more emotional and heart-wrenching. Also, I’ve just begun to feel okay again, physically and emotionally, so it feels soon to be thinking about trying to get pregnant again. Sometimes I’m so glad it’s still months away and J and I can just relax and enjoy ourselves, and other times I feel like I need those embies inside me NOW! and I want to be three months pregnant NOW! Just give me my baby!

I want to say congratulations to those of you with your BFPs. I’ve followed your efforts and triumphs for months now and I’m just so encouraged and excited for you! And to those with BFNs, my heart breaks a little for you, and also holds out hope that you will find a way. We all want our babies 🙂