This morning we had a very fun clinic visit, at least as far as waking up at 6am and driving a half hour in the opposite direction from my office to get a needle in my arm is concerned. Everyone was funny, our bloodwork nurse, our coordinator, the nurse midwife. I told them all that our baby is the size of a poppy seed. I love this because I absolutely love anything with poppy seeds in it.

The coordinator advised against riding my bike. She said going to yoga is fine, but I can’t ride my bike there. How are you supposed to get to yoga in LA unless it’s on a bike?! I asked her if she was going to make me sweat allll day at work again like Tuesday, and she said no, she would call around 1:30. I held my phone in my hand through a lunch with my boss and a meeting, and finally at 2:30 she called. My beta rose from 63 on Tuesday to 199 today! I was happy, J was happy.

It’s weird to be at the clinic and be pregnant after sitting in anxious uncertainty for months in the same waiting room. I have so much respect and compassion for the couples I see in there and hope the clinic can help them conceive. I don’t feel like I can understand what the straight couples are going through because I haven’t experienced trouble with fertility. If you know me, you already have heard this, but I feel guilty. Couples who have been married for years still aren’t pregnant, and J and I, a pretty new couple, are pregnant. I don’t believe the world ever owes anyone anything, so I don’t believe in the word “deserve,” but I struggle with the fact that I’m pregnant and they’re not. I did go through a few really tough years. Every year I felt like finally, maybe the universe would give me a break, and then something else horrible would happen. I feel incredibly lucky that this is happening to me and I can’t believe it; it’s surreal. I hope this isn’t offensive or hurtful to anyone reading this, I just want to be honest and share my TTC thoughts, and these are the rawest ones.

This week is crazy. Tomorrow’s my last day at my job. I have so much to wrap up and wonderful people to say good-bye to. I’m not good at keeping the little nugget a secret. I work with so many sweet, positive people, I just want to tell everyone, especially since I’m leaving. How do people keep this a secret for three months?

Due to the work situation, I’m scattered and a little wired. I’m a little sleep-deprived, and I’ve been feeling nauseous in the late afternoons and evenings. My boobs are incredibly sore, not PMS sore, but beyond that. I’m happy to have any symptoms, as long as the poppy seed keeps growing!
Please don’t go away teeny tiny embryo…

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